it felt like a long weekend

i must admit this: separation sucks. you. real bad.

secondly, i must admit this too: i hate sleeping alone at night.

eventhough i just don't want to be with my ex anymore. didn't have the feeling anymore. it's just suck. things with the habitual meaning in life tooks part of your memory away.

somehow i come across with a cosmo magazine saying the sign and symptoms of nervous breakdown. i felt like it somehow. with my moodswings being really bad lately eventhough things went allrite lately. like hey, i'm going for thailand for 40 days next april. seeing the course schedule, it's merely more like a bloody holiday of the season.

i felt like spend less time to do other things lately. i don't know, i really actually want to get my schedule right. even buying a new organizer for that.

i don't know what phase i'm entering right now. what feeling i'm being right now. it's like a start with an empty blank page ahead.

my budget lately and also my savings after the bloody accident slowly decreasing. another argh! i wanted to cook today but found failures to do so because it's raining the whole day and i couldn't really go out accept for a very late brunch and being in the office right now.

sometimes i just don't know what's wrong? hey, what's wrong?

and he too, keep asking me...

sido mangkat neng thailand!!!

kami berubah ketika jatuh cinta!

judul tor pengumuman lowongan naskah yang baru kubuat dan kusebarkan dimana-mana. akhirnya on/off format baru fix dan kami mulai bergerak lagi. argh, akhirnya, at the very last of things.

beli usb baru semalem, harganya 160 ribu, ga gitu mikir bahwa itu uang untuk beli bed cover. ya udah, beli, murah tapi garansinya cuma 6 bulan. padahal di boxnya lima taon. udah gitu ga ada cdnya, di pc bisa tapi di laptop ga bisa. musti nyari cd software or just download it through the internet.

alfi masih di rumah, agak shock gimana tadi pagi menemukan aku tidak sendirian tadi malam, hehehe:P. dua malam yang lalu nonton : the "NOKIA POM POM BOSS". vokalisnya alfi n sopo lali aku jeneng'e n tentu saja gentur baby. mereka seragaman kaya orang-orang eraphone plus nametag lutchunya. aku n vero plus anak2 blank jadi gruppies grup karaoke teranyarr ini. malam radiohead di reddoors distro n cafe (ada alcoholnya, akhirnya ada cafe di utara yang ginian), jadi lagunya radiohead semua. video vietnam-nya gentur keren, pas banget buat nutup. sumpah.

gabito lagi sengsara di tas, ga ta keluarin seharian. ada kesukaannya yang paling baru: 'maen bola':P~ hihihihi.

yogyakarta dalam cuaca yang sengsara, pagi-siang-sore panas anjing2an, sore-malem ujan gede banget truz rintik2 rese gitu. tapi ga ada badai, sultan katanya ampuh. sampe tepar pusing kepanasan tadi sore dan ketiduran pas ujan gede banget di pendopo insist. dua komputer aky dengan sukses dijangkiti spam, ga bisa dibuat kerja sama sekali. anjing!

berjuang dengan senang hati menyelesaikan biografi marquez, juga harus berjuang menerjemahkan satu bagian untuk pagina. besok musti bayar bills, damn. bop juga gagal diperjuangkan anak-anak, jadi bayar aga telat2 dikit gitu. ga jelas mata kuliah buat semester ini. dan klo awal maret dah fix diumumin, i'm flying to thailand...semoga. kayanya exciting, tapi koq lama ya dan cuma gabito yang ikut:(

tadi abis ngomong ama bowo, ngobrol2 dan gossip rame-rame sedikit freak. soal design dan kehidupan serta kejahatan-kejahatan berikut pengakuan-pengakuannya.

gabito

my teddy bear gave me a real brown teddy bear this afternoon. it's some bloody valentine and i'm stuffed with chocolate for the day. some chocolate ice cream at lunch with him and abi, then some piece of cadburry small bars in the afternoon, and just before after dinner, drink hot chocolate at rumah kopi with him.

this morning my ex-boyfriend took his things away and move out from the house. i felt a bit mean somehow, but things just happen this way. i could not have it any other way.

anyway, we named the teddy bear: gabito, si boneka beruang saru. it's named after the our master in literature, gabriel garcia marquez. its watches us all day long with our crazy act with the new member of the family. gabito, i hope don't write everything he saw someday:P

i'm seeing a bolivian activist and lecturer tomorrow morning. accompanying abi to be the guide of her tomorrow. she sound very interesting. but yeah, i have to finish a report by tonight and wake up at 9 at the very least tomorrow. i have a report meeting at 3 pm tomorrow. i have to finish quick and go home. alfi is at my house for a while, finishing datelines and trying out my new PC. he's been guarding the house while i was away. he's been kind to comfort dodon while i'm in jakarta and yesterday when i asked him to move out too.

i have to translate the serenade text of gabito for the new pagina too. argh! so many things to do and jobs to be done...but i'm glad that some things can be sort out not too bad lately.

ketika semuanya berwarna merah jambu

aku tidak peduli bahkan ketika semuanya berwarna merah jambu di sekitarku. ada sesuatu yang manis namun menyeretku disaat yang sama pada gesekan violin yang menyakitkan di beranda. banyak yang segera terjadi di waktu yang tidak pernah memberikan kesempatan bahkan untuk menggerakkan jari.

pada banyak kehilangan, banyak kesalahan, pada rasa kasihan, pada perasaan ironik yang tetap melahirkan sebuah tawa. i wish i could not complain!

aku tetap terdiam pada percakapan-percakapan kita yang membeku tiba-tiba. kau kemudian menaruh getaran pada percakapan mengenai warna celana dalammu tadi malam.

dan aku tidak tahu dimana aku harus berterimakasih mengenai cerita celana dalammu yang berwarna hitam.

si ika jadi bikin kangen pengen ketemu, tapi ternyata aku selalu kehilangan waktu. alia sakit ketika aku ingin bertemu dengannya. smsku pada agung lusa kemaren itu ternyata ga nyampe dan now, i don't have any time to see any of them *sigh*:(

but yeah, finally i got my pasport done. actually find out that the seasrep program due dateline on the 15th february and if i got them i'm going from 3 april - 12 may 2005. that's mean no going to malaysia and a month in thailand. argh! i don't know, i'm trying them out first to find it out. i guess you just can't get them all, eh?

i can't wait to be in yogyakarta tomorrow, got so many sms that telling me to go to rush home, so many things waiting. personal, work and even my studies. his sms crossed it all:

tentang thailand, tentang rumah, tentang kita, tentang novel, besok kita bicarain...

how the 12th of february seem to come very slow...

the greatest ice cream in the world

is now available in jakarta. tepatnya di plaza indonesia. the damn great goodness of gelare ice cream. a homemade italian ice cream that i thought i have to cross the sea to get the taste of them again (i taste it when i spend my high school in perth). somehow made another point that you can get anything in jakarta and yeah, kinda make me like jakarta even more then bogor nowadays. bogor has grown to a very weird city and i don't like it.

anyway got the jack purcell converse at last and the gabriel garcia marquez latest book "living to tell the tale". damn, this is a good day, hehehe. met dina in aksara bookstore of plaza indonesia. she's working there starting from last month. it's great to see her. got a 20 % discount too, which is very very great:) i saw the lomo cameras, wanting them even more:( i guess i have to be patient, have to work harder and put more balance in my savings. i can't wait to read marquez new book X)

i wanted to see alia and agung very bad. had so many stories to catch up. and i missed yogyakarta terribly, missed 'my teddy bear' the most...

tom yam, nyam!

i just cooked tom yam soup for lunch. it's a good one for the first try out. i didn't expect that the recipe doesn't used any tomatos or ginger but had those flavour in it. the weather isn't that friendly today, cloudy all morning and raining from the afternoon since. i got my plane ticket for saturday afternoon at 12 pm, with wings air (sounds like my period pads brand) which was also among the cheapest price. i hope to arrive safely in yogyakarta and settle things up once again.

before i'm going for those, i need a chocolate bar to ease my cramps, seeing alia tomorrow (she's coming home to bogor tomorrow, yay!), going to jakarta with my mom on thursday, planning to buy a pair of jack purcell converse, a black womensecret bra, a waffle of gelare ice cream (oh heavenly sweet stuff i've been dreaming for ages), and yeah a glass of quickly will be enough. i ought to see agung though, but i don't know when i might see him. maybe on friday after the photoshoot at the imigration. then yeah, i'm off to yogyakarta hopefully with a bottle of vodka or wine.

i'm still secretly complaining about my left knee, it's still bothers me. i cannot climb the stairs correctly and it's bother me. finally finish the infinite plan, over a window and after a bowl of tom yam soup. i wanted to read gabriel garcia marquez new book, argh, it's soo expensive...dunno if i still wanna get a lomo camera after half of my money being rip off by the bloody accident:(

i need to shower first i guess and shampoo my hair.

the horor of staying in another city other than yogyakarta

it's 19 minutes past eleven, around 5 hours after i had my period (man, i always mention having period in this blog), believing on my stomach cramps this morning but it's not a nasty cramps. i just need some chocolate bar, sungguh nyesel ga beli satu kemaren:( i just had my hot showers with passion fruit from the body shop smell in my skin. something about passion fruit smell just make things turning exotic, please ignore the bloody advertisement.

it's a good pampering after a silly afternoon around. going to the imigration office to renew my passport with my father was just a failure (they said it takes ages to make renewal), 'coz the birocratic corruption is just the same and even sby cannot do anything about it. if you want it fast, you still have to bribe them, yeah yeah. let's cheers for the sign saying about bribery as big as shit in front of that bloody office. i need it fast, because of this afternoon i just cannot stand to go home to yogyakarta. so yeah, then we pick up my mother from the tailor lady and drove her to the ipb campus. let the ipb people recommended do the stuff with the imigration. arghh, i hate birocrats!!!! fuck them!!

seeing my parent's office for the first time in this past ten years was weird experience. ipb is just a weird atmosphere campus. i seen a sticker of hizbut tahrir in one of the lecturer's car and weird slogan saying: ga sholat, ga trendy. man, i though the technic faculty in ugm slogan after the lebaran is such a disaster. in ipb it's even worser. it's like seeing religion on mtv or something, seeing it like a big joke that they took it seriously.

i'm kinda glad i'm in yogyakarta somehow. it's like a horor living in other city like bogor, i even sort of forget the good memories i have regarding with this city when i was younger. i mean well like for the entertainment, there just having like cinema, the malls or the tv. in yogya you got tons of stuff like: galeries, theather performance, music performances, art exhibition, alternative movie screening, cheap cable tv, even the vcd/dvd rental had so much broad collections. all at low cost and with the best qualities. i just cannot find that atmosphere and spirit anywhere else.

i don't know, i need a really good reason leaving yogyakarta. i've thinking about it lately, i'm not sure whether i wanted to leave yogya for good and live elsewhere. i must admit that the living cost there is getting higher, yogyakarta is turning to a metropolitant but you still can get that side of yogyakarta still existing and planning to buy a piece of land/house seems impossible 'coz their price rose very high lately. i don't know, well something or exactly someone have to convince me very well for leaving yogyakarta behind.

being in bogor again at my parent's house is actually like a holiday. doing nothing, accept for reading all day long, still thinking stuff though (about job even). but yeah, i don't know if i can stand this even until saturday. i talk a lot with my dad today, he's saying some good word like for not being to nice to people, to friends. i don't know, am i too nice? or is it really wrong on being nice or kind these day? i don't like being coldhearted even when it gives me troubles. it's like having two different lives sometimes. i don't really like rely on my family nor they would understand everything i'm doing. i try not to hassle them with all the facts about me thingy. it would absolutely shock them, i'm sure. truth does hurts.

at a time like this, i saw a lot of flashback of my life. it's weird being nearly 22 in a few months, being single again (well, not exactly actually), hurting someone bad for that. doing new jobs, setting new goals, changing some views on things. it's like this year has just turn, even though i don't celebrate celebration like the chinese new year that i never understand or last new year eve which i spend on the posko tent for aceh in the middle of the boulevard. things just looking new. i had to make new decisions and new commitments. it seems changing everything in a rush, planning things all over again. even though yesterday is history, it marks things and stayed forever. you want it or not, it will stay. i sometimes wish our memories can be erased in a recyled bin as easy as a mouse click.

i'm reading allende's the infinite plans, reading and seeing a lot of lives toss and turn. it's weird hearing my dad saying the he want us in safe hands and that things run smoothly all the time. i took in silence 'coz i know things don't run smoothly and often you fall, sometimes really bad. i don't really want to start an argument with him in a time like this, nor i don't want to lecturing him in life. people had their own views and values. i had to learn things on my own, not under other people understanding and i always knew that. i know i will change, but i view changes as a basic things in life. bessy said atidvolution, yeah yeah...it's sounds cute;)

seems like i'm turning into a deep melancholy that make me stop in life for a while. it's a night for a rest and for a stop. just a while. it wouldn't hurt.

the unfriendly guy in the pulsa counter

this afternoon was very unpleasing hello of bogor after some months not being here. he just bloody ignored me, omit that i'm the customer there, helloo dude??!! very very WTF?? i don't really like the air here, the atmosphere felt tightening and how i missed yogyakarta it's kind warmth surroundings atmosphere. the only places that's i'm a bit comfy is at home, reading stuff. i spend today just reading comics, novel and now online in front of the computer. i'm supposed to send my cv to abi, to forward it to my lecture for the bangkok proposal (i might be going on april if this suceeded). i think i'll do it tomorrow morning, lazy concentrating and remembering details this late morning already(?).

i cut my hair short today after the hair stylist proclaimed my terrible hair loss. i look still goddamn japanese. the good side is that my head felt way way lighter. got a hair mask too and yeah it was expensive, damn! buy kalam, a sambal recipe book, and 3 comic books. somehow rip off gramedia by the cashier foolness not counting the two expensive book: the new kalam (alex is the new editor on board) and the recipe book. bought sushi material in the supermarket, damn, the supermarket getting more and more stuff complete here. can't wait to buy some vodka or wine on the way home in a few days.

i had to make my passport tomorrow in the imigration office. on tuesday i'm planning to go to jakarta, meet agung and stuff. i missed yogyakarta already and terribly. him for the most portion of it. it's like going here are like meeting some blank map, i felt like nowhere to go or nowhere to see. i hope no storm hitting yogya, i wanted to go home very soon and for that i have to again used the plane.

i'm killing my time reading and dreaming. wishing my bed not as cold and not as alone...

the damn clouds above

looks damn scary especially when your'e just outside the airplane window. but yeah, the weather is getting real scary lately. typhon here, earthquake there, dengue here, flood there. damn, what's up with the season, and people getting accident everywhere (yeah, this include me and my 2 stitches, it's still not bloody over the pain in my knee, still cannot walk straight).

got through bogor in a really cloudy dark afternoon, it just look so gothic outside. but i was sleeping on the road, no traffic jam for this time. my father pick me up in the new terminal airport bus shuttle. telling story about my brother-fake-accident-story, but we got it off, some weirdo ass criminal phone him and making him hell panic with fake stories about my brother. but my family blew it off finding my brother still sleeping at his kost.

pram's birthday is supposevely to be tomorrow night, but i don't know. i want to be lazy at home at least the next 2-3 days before hitting the road to jakarta and going around in places. a bit tired, too much making out lately hehehhe, even in the airport this afternoon. hehhehehhe, i sound like a high school kids falling in love and making fools about themselves XD

missed him already...arghh!