craving for cold beer

it's another headache, after some sleepless nights cause by problems at work, my study and all the things absorbed in my mind lately. but my head start to go a bit normal now, maybe just because i hadn't ate that much lately. or haven't had enough rice this last few days. yeah, alas, i had an indonesian typical stomach.

some friends were graduating yesterday and lutfi took us all to lunch at coulier cafe. a very frenchy lunch. with old talks and happy friends. it took most of my paranoid part of mind that i had during my pms (yeah what other reason could i have?).

i think i need some cold beer tonight. i might drop by to circle k and fill some gasoline to my motorcycle tank. the journey a few kilos down will be freezing as hell, coz summer is here in yogyakarta with its very cold night.

yeah a bottle of beer to share and some good movies will sound tempting tonite.

tentang bertemu orang-orang

setelah beberapa pertengkaran yang konyol, pintu rumah yang selalu nyaris tertutup (ketika terbuka lebar, maling sialan mencuri salah satu sepatu saya - dengan kaos kaki kesayangan saya di dalamnya - dan sepatu pacar yang saya bela-belain beli jauh-jauh), tubuh yang tidak kunjung sembuh dari penyakit-penyakit yang terdengar sepele, saya keluar rumah. bertemu dengan orang-orang. banyak.

anehnya, saya mulai merasakan rasa ketakutan yang tidak jelas. kebingungan yang nyaris absurd. seperti berada di planet yang membuat saya asing. seperti gejala kesepian akut yang selalu saya alami jika mengendarai motor malam-malam sekali. kenikmatan yang nyaris sado-masokis. saya mulai mempunyai beberapa kebiasaan yang rutin dan domestik. yang kadang jika saya terdiam di pojokan ruangan, saya merasa nyaris gila.

apa yang saya khawatirkan dari hal-hal yang mapan? dari hal-hal yang terlihat indah yang saya lihat di depan mata saya akhir-akhir ini? dari kekacauan-kekacauan yang mengubah sekian hal dalam hidup setiap orang? apa yang membuat saya risau, ketika melihat seorang perempuan berumur 19 tahun, mendongengkan bayinya dengan cerita peter pan yang dimodifikasi olehnya? semuanya membuat saya semakin cemas. semakin tidak terlepas dari hal-hal yang sejak dulu selalu membebani dan bersarang di pojokan kepala saya yang busuk. dari sekian memori yang sudah tergores dalam jejak-jejak pada tubuh saya. amnesia saya.

saya ingin diam dan melihat waktu berlalu di depan saya. dengan segala ingatan yang telah membawa saya dalam lingkaran yang seperti ini.

swan feathers in your dream

my mom did came last week, staying at my house for 2 days, bothering me on cleaning the house not that well. oh well, she's a super clean woman and look a little terrified in seeing the living condition i was in. she even buying me a mop and all complete cleaning utilities. haha. but hey, i'm trying to have a better life here so far. she didn't complain as much as i expected. she told me to take care myself, coz i'm always getting sick with sickness because i'm terribly tired and don't have enough sleep. well, well, but things went allrite between us. i haven't had the guts to say about my little dirty secrets. not the time yet i guess. i felt i'm still a little girl when i can't say the things i actually want to share to her. i'm afraid still with her reaction or worse dad's reaction. argh, don't go there yet. i have enough trouble already in my daily life.

so yeah, alfi decided to sleep at tjuan's place. anton, decide to sleep at reza's place. it's like a hide and seek thing. eventhough my mom know that i lived there with some friends, she just haven't know who are they and what are my relationship really with one of them. haha. i felt like being a hypocrite sometimes (which i hate soo much). what do u expect from indonesian parents, as liberal as they can be, hard to accept inter-religion relationship (eventhough they know i don't go to church anymore, let down being a catholic, or even nearly in some point being an atheist). in reality, i don't remember not falling to muslim guys so far. still it's about family isn't it? living together? they say generally it's okay, but when they found out that, well, i've been living with my ex bf before for like 2 1/2 years and yeah now with my current bf for the last 6 months. hey it's their daughter they're talking about? no bloody way. so come here the moralist judgement etc etc etc. i don't want to imagine what things going to happen there. i'll save it for later. i'll let them guess so far.

i took her around, dining in some nice places in yogyakarta. gajah wong was one of the best. i eventually manage to talk and catch up with things with her. she's a real busy woman now, with me and my brother not at home anymore.

then i took earlier flight on last sunday morning to jakarta, she took the later. we nearly (3 of us, vero and onie too) miss the plane because of mr. onie wiranda being late and not knowing where the airport was. we arrive in jakarta an hour later. took the bus to gambir train station and then took a taxicab to lisa's place in menteng. alex was the only one alive that morning there, and the dogs. all the lovely huskies was being kidnapped and never return (blup and vodka), we all left by bola (a snowy look a like dog) and abstrak (blup bastard son with a local neighbourhood dog). i was a little sad, i miss all their huskies.

lisa was awaken when we were going for lunch in a mall nearby. i had a korean hot pot fish honey for lunch and we went around until 2 pm in aksara bookstore in plaza indonesia. then we took the taxi to aksara kemang for our book launch. the manager, mbak vivi was extremely suprising figure. pretty, intelligent, and too hot for a mother for two small children. i always fall in love with women like that and a bookstore like this. i cannot forget ibu silvia tiwon comment about the bookstore that night. she felt lost. in time and space. strange. she says it's like a bookstore in the states but it's not. it's jakarta, bu, we're in kemang. she's suprisingly funny for a lecture in berkeley. she's going back to states again next month. hope to see her again at the end of the year.

the discussion went allright, around 25 - 30 people come and after we had our own little discussion on the cafe at the back. i was kidnapped at 7.30 by agung to randu's place. she promise us a absolut vanilla for the night there. the next morning, after two hours slept and a little hang over, i had to face jakarta monday morning traffic. with an overcrowded bus, to go to menteng cause i promise vero i'll meet her that morning. no one was awake in menteng. i was left with the two dogs. taking picture of abstrak eating and playing. sips of acehnese coffe and dji sam soe kretek cigarette. how a morning in menteng can be beautiful in this town of hell and hectic. it make me consider again if i'm going to stay in jakarta in the next 5 years and stay there. no answer yet and the clock is ticking.

vero was awaken around 9. after a chat at breakfast at a near warung, we came back to watch alex and lisa awaken as well. i talk with lisa regarding to my thesis topic until sayed call me and insist to meet me in tim. we was planning to watch a movie, but didn't manage because all the schedule either pass already or the movie are just too bloody hollywood. so we just stay at bakoelkoeffie, one the best coffeshop in jakarta, i love the branch in cikini, with it's colonial times building preserve. you just lost the time there. i had my regular vietnamese coffe. sayed had his espresso and a vanilla milkshake afterwards. we talk alot about our thai days and the planning in the future. yeah he just graduated. until the clock reach 5 pm, where i had to catch my uncle's car if i wanna get a lift to bogor.

home was usual, a good resting place for two days. didn't manage to meet my brother coz he's still in jakarta. my mom bought me a new pillow (bloody expensive with swan feathers) coz she saw that my pillow at the house was in a very bad condition. haha, the things mom do for you. anyway, i had a good sleep this couple of nights i'm back in yogyakarta. but with a cough that make me swallow cough medicine that made me feel a little depressive. i've been cooking at home, wanton soup and some tofu stir-fry, tried to write but head spinning aren't that good in front computers. i just went out again today to the office, no one here too in this lazy afternoon accept hadi who fail to go to aceh again because of the tension. damn, how i need to read newspaper this last few weeks.

i re-read anais nin works to get some ideas in my head lately, but was disturbed by anton this morning;P how anais really can make people feel wet.

satu dosis obat batuk sirup hitam

yeah, obat batuk yang sudah kau telan 4 sendok makan membuat depresimu berkepanjangan. tidak sanggup menekan keyboard untuk menyelesaikan yang sudah-sudah. kau meraih anais nin, yang membuatmu basah semalaman. ini sabtu sore nyaris malam minggu dan orang-orang sudah mengudara. ingatanmu nyaris membusuk dan lupa. ini hari apa sedang apa? kau sudah telat membaca koran berminggu-minggu. kau harus menagih naskah-naskah. dan jangan lupa kau harus kuliah.