since that 6th august morning

i had drop everything. everything. i had to take a flight to jakarta in the 7th morning. both of my parents are hospitalized. my mother with her complication after her 2nd chemotherapy. my father who are vomitting blood that morning. he was in icu when i got there. my mother condition are not looking good either (seems to be declining to be honest).

eventhough now my father is recovering but as tired as he is, he's forcing himself to take care my mother. my days are filled with people coming to visit the hospital. praying for my mother and all (though i'm not suppose to say this, but i'm getting sick of it).

hospital. hospital. and hospital.

doctor. nurse. doctor.

all those chemical vocabularies. all those medical terms.

dear god.

i need a break.

my tiredness has reach my physical being. i had not recovered for a three days headache and a slight fever. not to mention my annoying allergy with cold wheather(yeah, i'm really the tropical type). i need to see someone. cigarettes and coffe. a creambath massage and a new hair cut. a new tatto in the middle of my chest, "madre" if any miracle doesn't happen.

my brother seems to regain his new christianity believe. he actually starting to deliver prayers. while i'm untouch and unattaracted for any of this sudden "catholicism" revival. dear god. have mercy on me. this is just getting to much. i cannot compromise that far. i'm still an agnostic at heart anyhow. my spiritual agenda right now so far is starting a yoga class.

the important thing for me now, is seeing my mother being humanly treated. not degenerated. i cannot stand to see her with all those things on her. its excruciating.

the relations of my family with my grandma is beyond any help. enough is enough. for me a real grandma had only touches me one, she's ann pryosusilo, an australian old lady, which takes us only 5 months to make that bond. the blood related grandmas, well, one died without enough time to see me. and this particular living one makes me want to vomit everytime i see her face. such a two faced liar. not to mention my annoying uncle's family with her "green eyed" wife of his. all such hypocrites. i think i need a bucket now.

with all this emotional tensions, which make my long pms period shine in 10 metres radius. i need a holiday in the middle of this somehow.