the storm has been around the last 2 days. i want to go out, to the library and look for some books:(((

membaca kembali catatan seorang demostran - hoek gie, rasanya gue pengen baca lebih banyak lagi. gue pengen baca lagi buku2 sos-pol, filsafat dan juga sejarah. setaon ini gue lebih berkutat dengan buku2 sastra, kupikir tahun ini aku perlu lebih banyak konsentrasi dengan pelajaran2 di sekolah. tetapi tidak, rasanya aku makin gelisah. diskusi soal filosofi kehidupan dengan ting akhir2 ini dan waktu kemarin bicara soal sosialisme dengan shea, rasanya kegelisahan gue bangkit lagi. baca-baca ulang hoek gie dan wahib makin membuat darah gue mengelegak.



yugo yang terus menerus mempertanyakan ketuhanan mengingatkan gue dengan soe hoek gie. ternyata anak satu ini tidak mengenal hoek gie, semoga saran2 gue untuk baca tulisan-tulisan hoek gie bakalan berguna bagi dia. memikirkan dan mempertanyakan ketuhanan, gue makin merasa tendensi diri gue mengarah pada atheis. gue udah terlalu sering mempertanyakan soal keagamaan, bagi gue itu semua memang omong kosong belaka. lucu liat manusia akhir2 ini, bersedia mati karena perbedaan agamis. memulai perang hanya karena ini. ah...kapan sih manusia mau belajar dari sejarah?



ada kutipan yang diambil hoek gie yang rasanya menusuk:

"There are men and women so lonely they believe, God is too lonely."



gue jadi pengen liat ekspresi shea, sewaktu gue mengutip nietzche. rasanya di antara tawanya shea gue merasakan ada yang terguncang. well...the next day he send me an email, God never dies, ian.

we would never knew the answer, shear, karena yang ingin ditanya juga adalah sesuatu yang gak jelas. sesuatu yang exist in our state of mind.



pertanyaan-pertanyaan begitu sering bermunculan di otak gue, jarang rasanya gue bisa tuliskan. gue pengen menuliskan semua itu biar gak ilang dan gak ditelan ulang oleh pikiran gue sendiri. di masa yang akan datang gue pengen renungin lagi dan gak dibiarin mati membusuk di pembuluh2 otak gue. gue pengen tumpahin itu semua disini. jujur dan terbuka.



ting bilang gue harus punya prioritas, prioritas gue memang harus sekolah dulu. berapa lama lagi sih yan, another 2 months. memang keliatannya gampang, tapi bagi gue this next 2 months is hell. gue gak rela kebebasan gue berpikir musti gue hentikan untuk beberapa waktu buat mempersiapkan ujian. hmm...memang gue terkadang egois, ting, untuk hal-hal seperti ini. gue benci sekolah. sekolah itu selalu mengekang dan gak ada kebebasan untuk belajar.



gue merasa ada sesuatu yang mengarah ke apatis jika gue bicara tentang keadaan perpolitikan di indonesia. namun, sekarang gue berada kembali di titik balik itu. baca hoek gie atau wahib memang jalan yang terbaik untuk memperbaharui apa yang rasanya sudah mulai menghilang. seems like i just breath a whole new air.

it's finished...

hope is a good thing



-the shackshaw redemption

tersenyumlah astrid ....

sekalipun hanya untuk dirimu sendiri.

:)



makasih ting:)

Ya, sebaiknya kau konsentrasi dulu deh sama ujianmu (aku jadi ingat masa-masa kuliahku, setiap kali ngadepin ujian, pasti tiba-tiba aku jadi semangat pengin menulis sesuatu, ya udah akhirnya aku menulis dan ujiannya lewat ... nilaiku ancur-ancuran setiap semester).



ini yang susah...otak gue koq malah mikirin yg berat2 dan bawaannya pengen nulis...

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out for another is to risk vulnerability.

To expose your feelings is to risk rejection.

To place your dreams before the crowd is to risk ridicule.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To go forward in the face of overwhelming odds is to risk failure.

.

But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.

.....

Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave.

He has forfeited his freedom.

Only the person who takes risks is free.

- Author Unknown

haiku

and when he said to me, why are we like this? pretending to be strong but we're not. if only i could just hug him and cry together, i would. but i couldn't. i just saw his back fading and it stabbed me. stabbed me so bad. so bad and i lost my words. i felt numb. i felt dumb.

hmm...akhir2 ini koq jadi speechless...

dari manusia untuk manusia...

aku tak meminta banyak, kita tak meminta banyak. lalu, apa yang salah?

reading eka's poems somehow lost me. totally lost me...

"tugas manusia adalah menjadi manusia" multatuli

thank God, for voice chat. now, he call me dee...his dee:)

Syahdan kapal dari Alexander Agung bertemu dengan kapal bajak laut. Setelah dikalahkan dalam pertempuran, pemimpin bajak laut bilang "Hanya karena kapal kami lebih kecil, maka kami disebut penyamun, dan karena kapalmu lebih besar, lalu mereka menyebutmu penguasa dunia"



so please, define terrorism now.

argh! otak gue koq jadi mikir kemana-mana sih.

hmm...i better start my essay on girl interrupted, i still had to do my maths too (i doubt i'll do this). this site and that site are so tempting to have myself clicking. i'll finish my essay first.

soup day! i've been surviving today with just soups + a bit of bread, brunch - chicken soup and now dinner - chicken and corn soup. i don't know, i have a craving with soup. maybe because of my sore throat (it's still annoying). though i love the warm feeling in my stomache by eating a cup of hot soup:)

it reminds me with ivan denisovich in solzhenityzn novel, the story of survival still stay vividly in my mind. somehow it just make me appreciate more and more what we have today, many people still die in hunger in the other part of the world. if i was reminded with that i loose my appetite. it's just too contrast and i keep on raising questions in my head on how, why, etc...



i was suprised with the fact that i haven't call my parents for let say from febuary this year. well, we got emails happening but i don't know why i satisfy with just that. well first it's money and second i don't really mind not hearing their voices, i guess i'm used to see typing of letters than talking on the phone. i call taufiq instead, once or twice a month, am i egoistic to do that? i don't know...



i guess taufiq is just a different matter, his emails is rather irregular (so i had to save some money to call him) due to his activities but lately he came online a lot to talk with me. i found that rather suprising too. i kinda felt lost when our relationship were on the edge a couple of months back. i'm glad that now it just brought us more closer than ever before. though maybe we're too honest to each other, but i prefer it that way. i felt i loose the thread but we always meet in the same end...i feel way lighter now...it doesn't bother me anymore... i don't really care what the fact and the reality is, i just love him that's all what i know...maybe i'm to naive and don't see other things beside of that. oh no, i actually do see them and it's hurting me everytime i turn myself that way. but i do realize, things shouldn't be perfect, so let me enjoy the pain as much as i enjoy every bits of happiness in it.



didier reminds me things about family as he talk about his family to me. i found myself have lots of similarity with didier, though he's more in the extreme side. i was pretty close with my parents but as i grew older i see things rather different, things i would really not like to open wide because it might cause them some shock. yes, i do feel the gap now. sometimes it drew closer, sometimes it drew further. although my parents didn't particularly like my choices but they can accept it and give me the freedom to do whatever i want to do with my life. though i would most probably accross some borders that they wouldn't like me to cross. i already did some actually. sometimes i feel i always seen to be the rebel in the family, hmm....maybe:) another things seems weird to me, shear seen and talk to my parents more than me. it's soo weird, i never meet shear, i just know him via online but wow he even know ricco(uhh, miss u my baby *hiks*, i miss my dog) quiet well. life is funny isn't it?;)



why do i feel like writing this? i guess i miss my love ones, the thought about dying occur to me. especially when the conversation with togap reminds me with the quote "life to the fullest". i keep question myself, have i life to the fullest? do i like my present state or do i hate it? i can say that my 18 years of life been pretty up and down and going zig zag here and there. i'm much a serious person than i was back then. i have change a lot, especially in the inside. do i regret it? no, i don't.



i just feel that i want to go home now...i really do. home...where the heart is...

When you're sad, you need to hear your sorrow structured into sound.

-Susanna Keysen

are we hurting our heart...?

i still can't write...



well, at least i need to start something...bang togap just rang me. i guess he's well and fine in ny, i thought of him when the incident happened. it's good to hear from him. it's real good.

"In the City of God there will be a great thunder, Two Brothers torn

apart by Chaos, while the fortress endures, the great leader will

succumb. The third big war will begin when the big city is burning"

* Nostradamus, 1654



Creepy.....

Century 1, Quatrain 87

Century 1, Quatrain 87

Earthshaking fire from the center of the Earth

Will cause the towers around the New City to shake:

Two great rocks will war for a long time,

And then Arethusa shall color a new river red.



Century 6, Quatrain 97

The sky will burn at forty-five degrees latitude,

Fire approaches the great new city

[New York City lies between 40-45 degrees]

Immediately a huge, scattered flame leaps up

When they want to have verification from the Normans



-taken from Nostrodamus



i thought this things would never happen...

it's disturbing, i don't know what to say. i guess i'm still in a state of shock. i feel sick the whole thing is sickening and i am really sick. i might try to have some rest.



all my deepest condolences for the mourners.

yah...gini deh, mustinya bikin essay malah mikirin pengembangan2 komunitas. diskusi2 akhir2 ini bener2 ngebuat otak muterin rodanya lagi. uh bisa2 bulukan nih gue, gak sabaarrrrrrrr pengen cepet2 direalisasiin. serasa masturbasi aja klo ide2 ini muter2 en ditelen ma gue doank. pengen cepet2 lulus dan kerjain apa yg mo gue kerjain!



sekolah tinggal 3 minggu, kerjaan segunung, belom test dll. break 2 minggu udah gitu ujian. tgl 31 okt kelulusan. november awal tee dah gitu i'm outta here!!



argh!!!



(essay essay kerjain dulu!! mentok otak gue disuruh nulis essay analisa lagi, sedangkan gue pengen nulis yg laen! akhir2 ini koq gue malah jadi lagi ngutak ngatik desain web yg baru, biar agak tenangan dikit kali ye...padahal dah komit gak ngutak ngatik lagi sebelom beres ujian. pusing liat keadaan sekarang, peta politik morat marit, situasi yg keliatan "aman" padahal represif gini. rakyat tetap rakyat. sikap apatis juga makin parah. tembak sana tembak sini, target operasi, tangkap sini tangkap sana. yah, dan rakyat tetap rakyat. mulut-mulut yg kembali dibungkam....dan...dan........ahhhh....lagi2. gimana gue bisa diam saja...bah!)

leher gue masih sakit:(

sebel deh klo atit. gue sekali sakit suka ancur2an, ini aja 2 hari most of the time i spend in bed. segitu gue udah keleyengan gara2 kebanyakan tidur walopun gue sambil baca buku juga. kaco deh klo body time clock dah error abis kaya gini. uhh...koq jadi laper yah....abis mo makan gak bisa nelen si:( dari kemaren cuma makan bubur ajah. *nasib* *lagi kangen pula* *ihiks*

spring have bloom?

i haven't notice

there's no flowers around

just windy wind that sang their song

and rain follow with the rhytmn



yes, i haven't seen spring yet...

though maybe i did

last nite...i see it through your voice

and i view myself in a garden full of kisses

from your lips to my ear...

i see the bloom...



:funny i don't understand how the way i love you now...i love because i love....i don't need any other explanations.

damn, again, damn i want these books.

whoa, good stuff, safe me some money for classics books.

umm indonesian - schizo site

didier!! sialan, leher gue sakit sekarang gara2 loe minta ditemenin sampe jem 6 pagi. oh well 2 days in bed already, what the heck. umm....don't swear in a god damn french or russian again, i think u better talk javanese or indonesian with me:P

love and shadows - isabel allende

comment:

full of adventure, a mixture of love and death. i have fallen to her style of writing, damn she's one good writer.

this was allende's second book, the one that put her in the place of latin american writer after the house of the spirit (i'm going to read this next). the background still in pinoche's regime, some of it actually based on her notes and events of the time. chilean history is quiet interesting, found lots of similarity with indonesian history:)



funny thing is, nathalia commented when i read the book "hey, i got a cousin back in chile name allende". when she and her mom drive me and hedy home last week, they speak chilean. i was quiet amazed:) i love how people speak spanish:))

one day in the life of ivan denisovich - aleksander solzhenityn

comment:

i love the way solzhenityn put his narration, jumpy and the words seems to be have a life with their own. similarity with the mute of solitude - pramoedya, they both tasted the exile. one day of ivan denisovich is one day in the life of solzhenityzn when he was sent to the gulag in siberia, under stalin's regime. hmm i want to read his biography as well, i think he spend like 10 years in the gulags. i look at the bookstore few weeks ago, i found his biography, $30! ugh! expensive:(

love and shadows....wow, again viva allende....kept me company in my bed today, i was sick...

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,

Tomorrow I'll miss you;

Remember I'll always be true.

And then while I'm away,

I'll write home ev'ry day,

And I'll send all my loving to you.



I'll pretend That I'm kissing

the lips I am missing

And hope that my dreams will come true.

And then while I'm away,

I'll write home ev'ry day,

And I'll send all my loving to you.



All my loving I will send to you.

All my loving, darling I'll be true.



Beatles - All My Loving



he sang this to me last nite.

*hiks*.............i miss him soo very much....

it's funny looking on the discussion of the graduation theme today. i think my year group is a really a split up group beside we have a suck-up student president, we just can't get into one agreement. half of the group wanted that all of us dress as an typical oz (yes, that shorts and that weird looking hat, and of course the oz - oi oi oi stuff. somehow i prefer to come as an aboriginal:P, probs it will be fun having body paint and stuff) while the other group (sambil ngacung) wanted to go as individual. what i notice is that the half that wanted being the oz thang mostly came from australian background while the other group is more multicultural background (most of them are 2nd generation in australia). though our group won the vote, 43 againts 38. somehow i feel this represent the changing in australian society as i'm studying the australian history in history now. even the suggestion that instead of singing waltzing matilda we should rather sing the federation song.



our graduation will be held 31st of october, exact day of hallowen. i'm doing the decoration with jesse and all. i guess with the hallowen theme and different clothes/costume, we'll look like a bunch of party people then some graduating high school kids.

version 3.0

coming soon

after november

gotta do my exam and lulus!:P

doain!!

the spill of water

running down

reaches your ground

how is it feel?

browsing university in melbourne site, i guess i'm going to be applying for "iseng". looking at the indonesian studies department, i found arief budiman's bio. hmm, he write on salvador allende for his phd in harvard. interesting. i'm looking for his book about chairil anwar(1986 apa 1987 edition?). uuhhh, anyone can help me here?

tumben, hari ini gue bangun pagi. last nite abis ngutak ngatik le ot buat bang heri, gue langsung bobo. lagi2 gue heran, jem 10 malem udah matiin komputer sejam-an baca solzhenityzn truz ngantuk banget matiin lampu en sleep. jem 7-8 gue udah bangun. gue bangun dari mimpi tadi pagi. hmm gue mimpi apa yah, yg paling gue inget, gue ketemu lagi ama damar en juga kenny. that's just the parts that i remembered. i remembered the talk and their faces. gue bingung sih si kenny sekarang dimana, apa dia jadi ke kanada pa engga. gue coba telpon ah entar malem, ke rumahnya di sawangan. damar, hmm...tuh anak setau gue masih di yogya. waktu gue di yogya tadinya gue pengen ketemu dia, gue lupa nanya alamat dia sih. yg pada nerusin ke yogya sapa aja yah? gue jadi penasaran.



abis breakfast, cuci muka etc. gue beresin le ot buat bang heri sambil mikir2, baca2 cerpen kompas. koq rasanya hari ini gue agak melayang2. kebanyakan tidur kali yah? gak biasa nih tidur normal.



sms taufiq, doi lagi baca koran truz mo bobo siang. jadi pengen ngelonin deh, hehehe:P

they buried aaliyah yesterday. people died everyday i know, but it's still upseting.