should i say welcome back orba?

FUCK!!! %(U#)((#*$_(#*$_*@_)*$@)Q((#()*#_(!!!!!



sorry, i'm pissed!!!

i hate school, but i had to do it. i'm bored easily and there's nothing interest me anymore. another 9 weeks and i should be fine. another 9 weeks doing what i hate *argh*.

just done this standard layout for milis beasiswa

megawati is the president and hamzah haz is the vice president of indonesia now.



there's no riot or any bloodshed for the time being but looking on things it doesn't seem to be good. i'm not to sure, i gotta look for the next 3-5 months. what i know is the "orba" seems to spread its influence again. this time it is really obvious, seeing most of the ex orba people are is sitting in the parlianment. i'm rather pessimistic especially with military and the ex-soeharto's cronies on the side of the government.



small terror had already begin at the "leftist" activist. i heard that they already set as a target operation. a judge was shot till death today in jakarta, he's the one handling tommy soeharto's case. i also heard that in east java the kodim and korem already forbid "ceramah", meetings, even the NU's kiai-s (who strongly supporting gus dur) had been forbidded to do their clergy(ceramah jum'atan). hmm, rumors says that megawati will establish the "departemen penerangan" back. i hope this is untrue. if that happen, i'm afraid indonesia is going to be behind so many hundreds of years...

back to school

and i got eye bags...



finish this off last nite:

one flew over the cuckoo's nest - ken kesey

this book was quiet allright, lots of topics being brought up. i just done a whole essay on it, it's for my english assigment due tomorrow. there's a new left ideas and some political bias, kesey's manage to put into a symbolises terms. the narrative was a getting a bit boring in the middle. a little lost somewhere there but the ending was quiet fantastic. i heard the movie was good, i haven't watch it. the only thing that i know is that jack nicholson play one of the main role.



well, this book is about a psychiatric hospital that was run under a strict rules(very authoritarian i must say), until this fella randal mcmurphy being submitted. he basically turn things upside down, inside and outside. see it as a set of a small version of society today (more western, coz it was written back in the 60's and the writer is obviously american), where the strong suprress the weak. yeah, marxist idea do apply on the story line. i wouldn't spoiled the end, i just raise a question to myself, what is sane?



-huah, i wanna go to bed but i can't, oral presentation too tomorrow *argh* hmm.....anti globalisation issues-

i'm tired and so sick with indonesian political situation...

my experimental writing project, i'm planning to put all my writings there (2000-2001 period). i did my first "cerpen" last night, i'm not quiet satisfy yet. i might edited again later, two person already commented so far.

taufiq went to mount lawu today, he'll be back by monday. i hope he'll be fine like always. i remember when he show me his pictures at lawu, the last time he was up there. they were taking their topless picture at the top of the mountain (dasar bocah gila!) and yeah they were nearly frozen to death, after that they ran quickly for their jackets. though he have such a funny collection there, i should took some:((

the sailor who fell from grace with the sea - yukio mishima

comment:

it reminds me with william golding "lord of the flies", especially when a bunch of boys were disecting a kitten without any certain emotional feelings (please if you can't stand animal torturing, flip over the page). towards the end, the novel was full of chilling tension and mishima just end it without any hush of uncovering the cruelty of what might happen. he leave it to us to play with our imagination using our dark side of human being.



this novel all started with a thirteen year old boy, noburo who watches a man make love to his mother. it effects him slowly and it all contribute on building his cold hearted character to be even stronger. he wanted a revenge and with his gang, noburo eventually convince to do it. it's unpredictable to see how what we thinks is harmfull can be full of such cruelty and violence.

my links page

hmm where should i put this?

i manage to sleep at 6 am and wake up 5 hours later, this is not good. school is coming soon.



i actually watched television again last night, i hardly watch television except for x-files:P i don't know i hate television nowadays and especially i really hate adds. yesterday i watched the report on indonesia current political situation focussing on taufik kiemas influence over pdi and megawati. although i'm watching the report from the australian point of view, most part of the report made sense. they also based their report from an interview with george aditjondro. what taufik kiemas doing behind his wife, i guess it's already a public secret. if megawati doesn't divorce him soon, he'll create a big problem for her or did megawati know and she's okay

with it? that's the main question that i'm curios about.



looking at kiemas and his younger brother on the interview made me want to puke. especially his brother (oh please somebody shoot him in the head), his very irritating laugh when he was ask about euricco gutteres. i don't get how this people are working with a person like gutteres, even taufik kiemas himself invites yapto and some other related gang members. i saw habib too i think. aditjondro came up with the theory of "mafia palembang", yeah kiemas and his business expansion using his wife name. same thing with what soeharto cronies have done. here we go, history repeating itself over and over.



i saw rachmawati at her house and all this people (umm should i say soldier like? the "satgas" of her and whom worship her father) line up to her asking for blessing. some of the people actually kneel and kiss her hand. i was disgusted with that view, it's like when i saw the picture or the video of nicholas II blessing his army to the WW I. this strong feudalism and also fascist like attitude have to end! she's no princess nor queen, she's just a daughter from our late president.



the most ironic thing was to see pius liustranang being the leader of the pdi satgas. nothing different with any sort of militarism practices. i was very disapointed to see that, i remember his breaking testify when he manage to survive from the activist kidnap. yes, i still remember his cries. his anti-militarism was one of the main cause of that act, i thought that was what he was fighting for. but liustranang image now is totally shattered, i was shock to see him giving command to his satgas members in that full on military attitude.



where is this country leading to? oh shit, yeah i forgot the leader is blind (totally blind) and he probably announce a stupid "dekrit" tomorrow. i just hope indonesia is not leading to any "kurusetra" bloodshed, i hope that would not be needed to make everyone realize how much crisis we already got ourselves into.

i have done nothing this holidays except for doing layouts and reading books. i need some sleep, i think i'm catching insomnia again...

test 1..2....3..

orange rocks!

i'm freshen up a little

thirst for love - yukio mishima

comment:

shits! mishima's work had this devastating affect on me. this shock had already followed me from watching ang lee's "crouching tiger" but after reading mishima's novel it put me to more further distance. on how pain caused by love can lead to such tragedy in human life without any suspected intentions. it made me trembling and shivers with the fear of that such pain.



reading mishima biography had more astonishing effect, he commit suicide after he finish his series of novels (his best works). he was at the peak of his writing carrer. damn!

crouching tiger hidden dragon - ang lee

comment:

very artistic and it left me in some sort of sentimental mood. i haven't watch a martial arts movie like this for ages and this one is very very good to watch. it reminds me back when i have the craving for watching this kung fu movie based like. the ending was tragic but that's the thing that makes it really good. i love it. the kicking kick ass too.



i felt that the movie is too short, i want more. i heard they are making a sequel:))



(i know this movie is soo old now, well in fact i've just watched it today. in a second class cinema where in the middle of the movie, the film got burn. then we had to wait for 10 minutes for them to get a spare. at least i got 50 % off from the regular movie ticket, can't complain:P)

"Saddest Poem"

Pablo Neruda



I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.



Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,

and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance."



The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.



I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.



On nights like this, I held her in my arms.

I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.



She loved me, sometimes I loved her.

How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?



I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her.



To hear the immense night, more immense without her.

And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.



What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.

The night is full of stars and she is not with me.



That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.

My soul is lost without her.



As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.

My heart searches for her and she is not with me.



The same night that whitens the same trees.

We, we who were, we are the same no longer.



I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.

My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.



Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once belonged to my kisses.

Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.



I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.

Love is so short and oblivion so long.



Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,

my soul is lost without her.



Although this may be the last pain she causes me,

and this may be the last poem I write for her.



neruda's poem, always had me blown away...

looking at firama's website, had trigger myself to learn photography again. i love photos, photoshop and yeah i really want to know how to use a camera properly. most of all i love black and white photos, there's something classic or something sentimental about it. i asked taufiq to teach me photography later on, he took some snapshots when we were in kotagede last january. this picture was took by him, he's pretty good with camera. he used to love them but he mostly put them on the shelves nowadays, the monetery crisis just had a big impact on the price of films.

i don't really have any camera that i can use now, oh wait i think my dad's old camera is still useable:) i'll ask for it when i get back home in bogor at the end of november.

got myself a new red backpack and gunter grass - the tin drum

somewhere between the stars

i saw thee

somewhere between the words

i said thee

somewhere between me and you

i felt thee

this person above is wanted.

further contact: indische@lycos.com



heheheh:P

digital camera? i dreamed of one.

mas pinang first poem anthology, he's looking for a publisher now. his poems are great, i love all his poems. an artist with many talent, one more person that i admire:)

somehow i miss talking to shear. that's kinda odd, he'll laugh if he read this writing on my journal. i already spend 2 hours on the phone to him on monday morning. started at 3 am and end at 5 am. he asked me whether i'm sleepy or not. i'm well and alive even now, i wonder why i hardly sleep. i'm suffering insomnia for sure. i'm saying this in the middle of winter where people prefer to be wrapped up in their blanket and sleep. i found it's too cold to sleep, i never have a good sleep when it's too cold. there's no point of me to buy a heater, i'm much prefer to spend the money on books (i'm such a book-freak). this is going to be my very last winter here anyway. i'll survive another 2 months of cold weather then after spring i'll be back with my tropical weather land. i know it's sticky and sweaty, but i loveeee it.



mas eka asked me to help him uploading the materials for bm.or.id, i agreed. regarding that most of the "redaksi" are busy with their own things, and mas eka had to finish his novel by the end of the month. happy working experience in bm he said:P lol, a cyber working experience for sure. hehehe:D

it came to my thought, the image of him now. i wonder whether i should smile. a year and nearly 2 months since we've been together. at first i never had the thought of getting married young, but it occur to me when i knew him. but this thought have to stop now, because i doubt that we can reach that far. i started to question things on marriage and why do they put that stupid regulations about "you can't get married if you have different beliefs". F*** THAT. i'm in a point to not having any religion. i believe in God, i guess but not religion. it's just such a lame excuses, people kill their own blood fighting on what they so called "religion". i have enough of that, though by saying that my parents might kill me:P



it's hard enough for having him soo far away from me, crossing the indian ocean to reach him again. the first month away from him was the hardest of all, it felt that not so long ago i'm still in his arms and in a split second everything has just gone. i got another 5-6 months until i meet him again. i hate the fact that when we meet again, we had to face more harder decisions.



without status? i don't know if i wanted to go through that again. i've been there and i don't particularly like it. seeing myself going like this again, i question formality again. formality just for the sake of it. is that really necessary? it's hurting me that i know nothing is wrong between us. so why give up now?

pramoedya ananta toer



this man had been the most encouraging writer that affect so many people, including me.

vini vidi vinci

i came, i saw and i conquer



my brother's comment on his acceptance back to recis for his continuation of high school. where did he got that from? our julius caesar comic on the shelf?

my mother's faith stares me sometimes, while mine is rather shattered or going up and down all the time. she is also can be very encouraging, like now to actually making me going to washington d.c. to fulfill the international poetry conference invitation. shear did too, even taufiq told me so. although i'm not to sure about it myself. it's rather too comercialized in some ways, hmm...i don't really know how to put it. the conference will be held next month on the exact date of indonesian independence day. should i or should i not go? i don't thing there's no reason why i shouldn't go to us. it will be a good experience but i don't want to rise up any other expectation or excitement. it's not like i'm going to win the contest and bring all the money home or something like that. i see myself as being invited and participate. one thing i'm scare to do, reading my poems outloud in front of people. for heaven sake i never done that before in my life time.

i always envy his works and writings. by knowing all his creative process like he describe it today to me and what is it really like to be a writer, the path that he chooses to be in. i felt honored to know him this way, and he's probably the one that can understand what is going on with me right now. often his explanations are just the right one for me. like it was there but i could never explain it, but he brought it all forward for me to see.



funny thing is he just got "no one writes to the colonel" marquez from the local secondhand bookshop in malioboro today. not so long ago i bought a secondhand book which is the same one. i was planning to read it tomorrow, such a coincidence. i guess we will discuss it after we both finish the book.



i really hope he will meet the deadline of his first novel publication by the end of the month. i can't wait.

the comment here, i guess i can't say that it's all wrong. i hate my inconsistency and also my sentimentility when it went too far. lately my life is too full of twist and turn that i can't really organize them as bad as i want to. i don't know if the image background have some sort of misleading interpretation, but oh well people have different opinions, can't blame them. i don't really mean to type poems there, most of them for me is just a scribble or some personal remarks. and i don't think i consider it to be a daily journal either. this is my journal and that one is no. often i just put things spontaneously and if that bother others, well you can always close the window can't you?

anyway thanks for reminding me on my inconsistency and sentimentility part, i admit that myself.

to do list:

- smu enam surabaya layout

- octo's blog



projects to consider:

- soc!

- komunitas warung



to think about:

- mas eka's advices on pursuing writing

- bang togap suggestion about battling with drugs

winter sux

my fingers are all freezing to death

still siting here, typing shit at 3.33 AM

wonder what's the current temperature outside my blanket?



and yes, i don't have any heater or any sort of heating equipment

new layout (again)

bored with the last one

i want to fixed the archive and play with the tagging again (this part is frustating)

eva luna - isabel allende

comment:

i absolutely love the entwined of the stories. eva luna, eva luna...such a tale of stories. 23 chapters which left you pondering around with your own imagination. it teaches yourself to play with stories and fiction. reality and dreams. this left me two sleepless nights of fascination and still haunting me right now. such a limitless boundaries of tales that allende had put in her writings. magnificent!

the only thing that is making me upset about my very low grade in calculus is my teacher dissapointment (which now led me to drop the subject). i hate dissapointing a good teacher, coz i know it's me who doing the wrong thing not him/her. it's upseting to see the look on their faces when they're dissapointed. they know i can actually do it and i know that myself. that's the only regret i have now...

i watch the mummy returns on saturday, by myself. i wanted to watch crouching tiger hidden dragon, but the time that they are shown is kinda too late for me. i regret it, coz in that small cinema it will only cost me like $4. though i decide to watch something else, so i watch the mummy returns. i don't really know why i did that. i just wanted to watch a movie.