paula - isabel allende

comments:

i just woken up from a dream, i'm not sure what it was, whether it was surreal or real. i fallen asleep not long after finishing the book and somehow things just relates from there. i guess i always feel that way after having the effect of magic surrealism but no, not this one this is something real happening. this book is a memoar for allende's daughter, paula. it represent the inner-most feeling of her in this piece of writing. i like this ending paragraph (sorry to spoil it, but i can't help it):



I am the void, I am everything that exists, I am in every leaf of the forest, in every drop of the dew, in every particle of ash carried by the stream, I am Paula and I am also Isabel, I am nothing and all other things in this life and other lives, immortal.

Godspeed, Paula, woman.

Welcome, Paula, spirit.



i've been reading some of allende's work, and i guess i wouldn't stop going untill i finish all the copies in the school library collections. this one explain all her background of works and how her life end to the point where she's now. i don't really know if she write more books after paula. she might not, she might have.



some interesting knowledge that i gain from this book. about chile coup et tat by pinoche, which no different with things that happen in my country. i also found out how did pablo neruda died (ill) and how things were when he was dying. what was his last words and how his house was totally trash by the army not long after his dead. all of this told under allende's bias. allende is one of the niece of salvador allende, the presidential elected that was taken down by the coup (literary but in fact he fought till his last blood until he blew his own head off on the military raid his presedential house).

thks, ryan! somehow i need that, when i can't feel anything like this...

nice

reminds me with supernova, but nice:)

imam:

kenapa jarang liat tulisan loe lagi?

gue:

yah, mungkin gue pengen drew back a little. gue masih pengen merenung untuk sekarang2, for the things i have done and the things i'm doing now. sekali waktu gue butuh saat dimana gue bisa ngerenungin this life deeply. diskusi2 akhir2 ini rasanya membuat gue pengen berhenti sejenak and think.

di satu sisi, bentar lagi gue ujian, as i hate to admit this gue masih peduli untuk urusan kelulusan ini. it's my ticket to get out from here (but hey i'm stil here not studying like always:P). *argh* school sux and the whole system sux.

sekarang, i just want to learn how to write a short story.



imam:

soc koq kaya prd?

gue:

yeee, bukan atuh neng. weblog bebas itu teh:P(including bebas partai!) klo emang kekiri2an dikit, yah gpp toh:) we have the right to choose and we have the right to speak out. sono posting lagi, puisi loe bagus kemaren tuh:)



*this is good, i like the design too.

life is funny sometimes, when i felt a solitary feeling that seems to be so hard to handle, things came up just like that and remind me that i'm not alone on this. i'm still breathing...

reading through this site, reminds me with the mc'liebe case in england. i think i was about yr 10 when i watch that documentary in class, the irony was that no one really cares about that documentary presented in class. for me, it gives me bigger understanding to the cases of anti-globalisation movement.

i noted the source from kunci.org, i wonder where did that excellent site went?

i'm just a splash of water

that had u fresh for a while



at the end u dried me with a piece of cotton towel

Perbedaan



Sendiri resapi heningnya malam ini

Tanpamu disini hatiku sunyi

Berharap engkau kembali oh ..

Mengisi hari bersama lagi



Segala perbedaan itu

Membuatmu jauh dariku

Biarlah sang waktu menjaga cintamu

Nyalakanlah api cinta

Membakar ragu yang ada

Ku kan selalu setia

Hingga saat tiba



Perpisahan ini hanya tuk sementara

Sabarlah menanti usah gelisah

Ari Lasso

hiks:(

damn, the new ari lasso album is soo good, so good that i can cry with it...:(

i often think that i'm scared that i might fail and have another break down because i can't afford that anymore. i don't know, i feel shit.

i miss his gaze...

am i just creating some haze?

while doing my art research found nice links such as:

- pablo picasso

- michelangelo

even the god damn domain of michelangelo was damn good

the greatest fear of most man is loneliness

i got reggie dab speaking in school today, he's this big man (don't call him "fat" coz he's gonna sit on you:P). he came from the united states. he was very interesting man, funny and quiet inspirational. a great guy:)

at the end he round off that none of us are lonely, coz if u ever think that u're lonely, remember this big nigga lovez u:)) and to love someone is to let somebody love you:)

sixty minutes

not a single love should be spoken

nor told...

i met mr. de braun while i was picking up the half lot of books at bill's secondhand bookshop. he was an officer of the dutch indies back in the 1940s, i had an interesting talk. he was posted in semarang back then, he still speak a little indonesian. he went back to indonesia a couple of times. it was a nice long talk, i think i stand there for an hour or more. i got a little cramp now.



on the bus home, i met deby. i haven't seen deby for a while, she's in tafe now doing courses on aboriginal education. she didn't bother to finish untill year 12, she prefered tafe. i just realized something, i don't see any aboriginal doing yr 12 in my school. i don't think other school have much difference either. this phenomenan is quiet sad... same treatments with the indians in state and other indegenous groups.

orange+me=this web layout

made: 18.08.01

image: myself, may 2001, side ways (done in photoshop 5.5)

tools: adobe photoshop 5.5. + macromedia dreamweaver 3.0

listen: eve feat. gwen stephanie "lemme blow your mind"

no one writes to the colonel and other stories - gabriel garcia marquez

comment:

marquez's collections of short stories, "no one writes to the colonel" was a great blast!

read it! read it! and if u haven't read one hundreds years of solitude, read it too!

putriii, putrriiiiii!!

ck ck ck...

i love thissss

the old man and the sea - ernest hemingway

comment:

i read this book a long time ago, then i found it again in the school library shelf. i borrow it out, then i remember again how it was...

hemingway familiar style again captures me in still. somehow i wanted to translate this book to indonesian, i wanted to study and understand how he can write such thing.

the old man, the fish, the boy, the sharks and the sea itself...damn! such a divine piece of writing ever written...

"tell me i'm here" - anne deveson

comment:

this book probably one of the most important pieces of writing of explaining what schizophrenia is. anne deveson, a well known australian broadcaster and film-maker, and a founder od SANE, the national schizophrenia organisation. she wrote this autobiographical book based on her life exprience dealing with her schizophrenics son. her writing on one side were very emotional and on one side affects us to came aware of what is schizophrenia.

i found reading this book to be quiet disturbing, as it was true. the scary fact is that one in a hundred of people will develop schizophrenia later in their early life. schizophrenia is NOT a split personality, it is a form of mental illness. the later problems that associated schizophrenia often were not recognized by society as a major problems. deveson tried to open our eyes that a schizophrenics had the same right to be treated as human beings.

i also watch the documentary that deveson made, titled "spinning out". it was a more serious reference of schizophrenia. study in schizophrenia is still developing, each on biological side (it was proof to be genetical related in ones family) and physiological study. one quotations on the facts of schizophrenia:

there is no known cause

there is no known cure

in the way i see all of these, the whole world still struggling on confronting with minority groups issues. ranging from race, gender and dissability(including mental dissability). a long way to go...

what is really nationalism? - ulus at 10.52 pm

my friend just got a scanner and this is what i did:P

home is where the heart is...

gue - adi - nging, akhir 2k

miss u guys...

ken's 17th party, januari 2k

i miss my laugh...

just finish an essay on schizoprenia...i'll type the book review tomorrow, too sleepy now...(sleepy for the first time for ages....yayy...oh shit, i wake up now, dammit!)

i always weep if i read this passage

always...

this is nice

i just want to write about life and "gado-gado"



feeling gue berasa gado-gado dan rasanya emang gue pengen ngetik pake bahasa gado-gado. mengingat juga gue ini serba gado-gado dan gue kangen makan gado-gado...



gue notice something this afternoon. pertama gue kira hanya warna lampu yang gue nyalain sore ini nyampur sama cahaya dari luar jendela kamar. tapi ternyata warna senja yang gue rindukan selama ini... gue udah nyaris gak pernah liat warna orange kekuningan itu masuk di salah satu spot in my room. terakhir yang gue inget mungkin waktu gue pulang ke rumah, sore-sore gue bisa loncat dari jendela en nangkring di atep sekedar nikmatin sunset dari genteng gue tercinta. gue bisa tahan nangkring disana sampe magrib tiba. kebiasaan gue yang gak pernah ilang semenjak gue masih anak2, klo dulu sih masih ada hidden motive kaya nyariin layang-layang putus. tapi lama2 gue suka banget tidur-tiduran di genteng sambil liatin sunset. gue sempet empet juga ma tetangga sebelah, abis view gue kemakan setengah, kealangan ma rumah die, tapi yah better then nothing sih. sunset masih keliatan dan burung-burung juga masih berterbangan. klo udah gini gue justru kangen adzan magrib. gimana ye, buat gue kaya musik sih, praising ama yg di Atas sono. rasanya nambahin makna suasana sore hari.



gue ngabisin hari ini bacain segala macam bentuk tulisan di internet. dari kemaren pagi gue ngeupload-in materi di bm.or.id, gila deh, makin lama makin banyak aja tulisan yg musti gue uploadin, en gilenya nih penulis satu alex r. produktif abissss. gue sampe kenyang bacain tulisan dia, dari essai, resensi, fiksi ampe puisi. kapan yah gue bisa gitu. iseng "magang" di bm gara-gara diminta mas eka bantuin, secara gak sadar gue jadi redaksi sementara, itung2 belajar sih. plus juga gue kemaren dapet tawaran magang disini klo gue dah balik nanti.



setelah gue pikir-pikir, i can't wait to get home. there's so many things to do and so many things to see. but sebelom gue overexcited, gue musti lulus sma. walau beneran deh gue udah males2an banget, pengen cepet2 lulus, en syaratnya gue musti pass 4 of my subjects. gue udah fail calculus gue en kaga tau deh tentang my other math units. gue udah drop calculus gue en nyoba konsentrasi to maths. sekolah resminya tinggal 7 minggu lagi, sisanya exam en exam. susah juga sih, bukannya gue kaga bisa but the main problem guenya kaga minat sih! gue lebih milih dikasih buku-buku tebel seabrek ato disuruh nulis or bikin desain on anything. cuma again i gotta be back on the reality here, i must finish high school whether i like it or not. seekstrem2nya cara otak gue berjalan, gue sadar gue perlu ijasah sma:P



hari rabu malem, gue gak tahan untuk nyari info kemana co gue udah menghilang selama tiga minggu. gue dah berharap tuh anak gak ilang di lawu ato kena sweeping aktifis deh (aduh gue jaat yah?). gue nelpon ke yogya, si aris yang ngangkat. doi magang di jakarta, yan. weleh, keterima toh application die yg gue sempet koreksi few months back. moga-moga aja ada kabar dari dia soon. si aris nanya ke gue, hpnya doi koq gak bisa dikontak sih. lha, klo gitu kenapa gue nelpon atuh nanya ke dia. eh nih anak malah kaga mo nutup epon, udah deh...gue musti rela bayar 4 menit international calls. but setelah gue tutup gagang telpon, gue jadi kangen juga ngobrol ma dia en anak-anak yg laen. bisa ampe pagi deh gak berenti2...hehehe.



"Kalau kita mau jujur pada diri kita sendiri, Tuhan itu cuma satu…", quote yg gue baca ini koq rasanya ngepas banget ma kondisi gue sekarang ini. titik dimana gue cuma percaya makna kata di atas. rasanya gue gak berpusing-pusing soal agama, reaksi temen-temen deket gue, wuaah loe jadi atheis yan. wah gak juga ye, gue masih percaya ma tuhan tuh. tapi yah cuma sebates itu, klo tuhan itu ada en tuhan itu satu. titik. bisa dibilang gue memang mengarah ke agnostik.



gue jadi ketawa klo gue inget komen shear, deskripsi singkat dia tentang gue yg kira-kira begini:

identitas nya ngga jelas ... WNI, tapi lahir di Oz, pribumi tapi ada embel2 non pri, katolik cuma pacaran ama islam dan jrg ke gereja.

haha (ketawa lagi), singkatnya mungkin begitu sih:) tapi klo mo diuraikan lagi mungkin bakalan pusing sendiri. gue yg berdarah jawa-cina-sunda-belanda, mo bilang apa lagi soal asal usul gue. rasanya gue lebih suka klo mendeskripsikan diri gue sebagai orang indonesia, itu aja cukup. gue yang lahir di aussie, en sampe saat ini masih megang dual citizen (ktp sih ina, aussie sebagai educational purpose - itung2 gratis biaya edu + biaya idup gue disini). gue yg pernah "katolik" dan ke gereja klo diseret nyokap doank, hmm iye seh, gue masih gak tega bilang ke ortu gue klo anaknya kaya gini. and yes, taufiq is moslem...



bicara soal cinta, mengingat latar belakang gue yg katolik walau gue akrab sama budaya dan agama islam. tetap aja, inter religion relationship pasti bakalan jadi masalah yang sama sekali gak gampang. gue akhir2 ini sering ngerenungin juga soal ini. gue udah jalan ma dia setaon lebih dan memang the notion of "marriage" nongol sekali waktu. pertama sih memang gak gitu kentara, tapi setelah yah kayanya my family know or at least curiga, mereka kayanya gak bisa nerima. sekarang sih kayanya udah ke cover up ma shear, thks shear. kayanya bonyok gue nyangka yg engga2 aja, cuma gue tau sih, mereka seneng klo akhirnya gue punya temen deket yg perasaan mereka seh "seiman". yah gue deket sih sama shear, cuma not that way. anyway, gue sempet dilema juga, pertama sih gue emang gak bisa terima, tapi lama-lama memang gue musti realistis juga. secara sadar en gak sadar mungkin gue udah agak ngelepas dia sih...rasanya gue dah gak begitu berharap untuk saling memiliki untuk selamanya. seidealis2nya gue, ketemu realitas pasti bakalan terbentur juga. mungkin gue bisa aja senekat itu, tapi untuk sekarang gue belom bisa berdiri sendiri. we can live with dreams but we had to build it from the reality. klo memang gue bisa berdiri sendiri, i can do whatever i want to do with my life kan?:) dan ada satu lagi yang kayanya kena banget di gua:

"jangan pernah membatasi cinta, karena cinta klo dibatasi bukan cinta yg murni lagi"gue juga lagi belajar gimana mencintai seseorang seperti itu....dan gue juga lagi merenung, is it really love ato...something else? i'm still young and i don't really know what is ahead of me in the near future:) i can predict and i can choose, but i don't know what is going to happen. untuk matter yg satu ini, gue mungkin udah "que sera-sera" (what ever will be, will be-lah).



untuk menutup sore hari ini, gue lagi suka banget ma nih 2 puisi di bawah ini



Melukis Wajah Asing (Dari Dunia Yang Hilang)

T. S. Pinang



: pelukis wara anindyah



dalam relung kaupanggil aku merobek kanvas-kanvasmu karena di balik dinding telah kausiapkan sebuah dunia asing. maka kita pun berkenalan dalam tebaran topeng-topeng memar oleh sejarah. wajah-wajah itu seperti kukenal pernah, di mana entah. mungkin itulah wajah-wajah kita sendiri. terseok-seok liurku bertetesan dalam debur jantung yang ringas oleh dongengmu tentang lelaki dari dunia hilang, hingga kautampar wajahku sendiri dengan senyuman dewi kwan im dan bulir jewawutnya menebarkan embun ke bibirku yang haus, terbakar oleh ledakan-ledakan bom di televisi, tersihir kata-kata racun di udara yang setiap hari kuhirup



lalu kauceritakan padaku tentang perempuan terindah aku tersenyum, meski tetap dalam kesenyapan yang asing



*yogyakarta, agustus 2001



Kaus Kaki Putih

Iman Hidajat



sepasang warna putih

menyelimuti kedua telapak kakinya

hangat, katanya...

aku mengangguk

imut, kataku...



poem buat astrid

is it black

or is it dark brown

your eyes...



i missed the light

and i only feel your stare

sucking me alive

sometimes i just realize i lost the sense of talking or even the need to talk. i lost my words this last few days...

i didn't really know why i did this autobio, a little homesicky?

where my eyes is set

will i cry for another sunset?



:dry the tears

and i see my rainbow...

damnn, i love this site and his experimental too, damn!

the stories of eva luna - isabel allende

comment:

more like the continuation or related theme and characters to allende's other novel, eva luna. consisting 24 stories that surely have the strong magic surealism impression like most of latin american writers tend to woven their stories. i envy every single one of them, i can't really decide which on is my favourite, they all meant something from the first page 'till the last page of the book. the magic and the beauty still left in me...

just got back from the city. funny stuff happened in this short day. i catched the 11 am bus and arrive in the city half an hour later. then going straight to sta travel to book my flight back home in november. i manage to get the 24th november flight which is on saturday morning, though i didn't manage to get a direct flight. i'm transitting in singapore for quite a while, i wonder what am i gonna be doing for at least 6 hours.



then i can't help myself to bought a black top in esprit, it's on sale, 1/2 price so i didn't really think twice. it's been a while since i bought any clothes for myself. i never bought anything if it's not on sale:P, i often wait for the price to go at least 50 % off, hehehhe:D



next i went to the library, and picked up my requested books at bill's secondhand book shop. damn! he got a whole lot of books that i've been searching, whoa... i'm pretty much jumping up for joy. i just carried the half of the lot, the other lot i'll pick up later. to the top of all, he gave me $10 discount. imagine whole pile of GOOD books, secondhand(some of them looks as new as from the bookshop) and still u got discount. man, i love bill! hehehhe...



i stay there for a while, talking with bill from book sites until indonesian socio-political situation. he recommend me this site, i'm checking it now. i also talk about book shipping, coz soon i gotta figure out how to bring this all back to indonesia.



just when i'm buzzing around the city, then i saw this familiar face and to my suprise he was pointing at me. omigod!!! it's jimmyyy!!! damnnn, what is he doing here? i thought he is in state or something. i went to the same junior high school back in bogor, we're pretty good friends in grade 7 but then we kinda go in our own way. nice to see him today and he's going to call me tonite:)



while waiting for the bus, i saw this two lovebirds waiting for the bus. they were around 12-13 years old (asian), and when they separated they just totally hugh and kiss each other like they are going to be separated forever. i found that quite sweet or i'm rather jelaous? hehehe, yeah i miss my taufiq a lot these days. then there's this young women come up to me, at first she ask me whether i'm waiting for the bus or not. at the end she ask me for 2 dollars, i had no money left in my wallet (coz the books) and i say sorry. suddenly she slighty murmured that she's going to bash me if i don't gave her any money. man, she's so rude! what a manner!! i was ready to punch her if she try to do anything, although i don't think she will dare to do that. i guess she's just bluffing coz we were in a public place (front of mcdonald's), where people pass around. i felt a little pity though somehow... but my bus arrive and i went back home. left her there and i saw her asking for money again to the person sitting near the bench there.

book hunting tomorrow?

i know things just been blown away, not only bodies but also faith...

and we ask questions like this more and more each day:

what's wrong with this world?



and bombs after bombs, cries after cries, bloodbath after bloodbath, dead after dead

the world grows silent...



i'm tired and u're tired

we still can't rest

the word grows silent...

i'm counting my days at fourteen minutes past midnight...



then i realize something that i never reveal what i really do in my daily life. hmm let see, what i really i did today. i woke up around 7.30, fell asleept for another half an hour. lazily get off from the bed, wash my face change my clothes. had breakfast, tie my shoes and walk to school. i done that in 30 minutes too, i did my routine so quick sometimes and i didn't even feel it one single bit. a sunny wednesday morning and the winter wind was pretty chilly, i left both hands in my jacket's pocket.



school, hmm i notice that i never really wear a proper uniform this past 3 years of high schools (my school is public, so we can bend the rules here and there:P) i wear my sandals even, all the way on summer, spring, half of autumn but not in winter. my schoolies-mate thought i'm a little crazy sometimes. i guess i just can't get off with my "sandal-jepit" habit though i've been in australia for the last three years.



first period was computer (playing with corel draw, i want to get this install in my computer :((( ), then free study period (read allende's book) - recess (eat an apple, visit ed's crew, aren't they frozen to sit up there where the wind keep buzzing around) - period four was a talk about tafe courses, then english (teacher's away, me back with allende's book) - lunch (eat muffin, share natalia some and had a chat with her, i never chat with her until this year. she's a funny girl. last 10 minutes of lunch, read allende again). last double period , ART!!! miss totten was back, she catches the flu on sunday. then i ask her some opinion about my "adonis" sculpture, i gotta finish this in the next two weeks and prepare my portfolio in the same time. i'm half way with this, i just gotta do the face details and stuff. towards the end of high school years, we are doing a mural project for the school, i'm still wondering where we should put it? 3pm, the bell rang and walk back home...



next saturday i'm booking my ticket plane, a flight home, for good. it will be probably around 20th of november. after graduation and exams. it will end there.

marquez, borges, neruda, llosa, allende...

those untouchable magic that only can be transfer with their words and writings. it had created the "el boom" of latin america literature throughout the world. i read one of allende book again, ignoring this schitzophrenic book i had to read for english. it all happen again, the magic of it draw me closer and closer.



i close my eyes and thought about the beauty of dreams...i thought about mas eka comment some weeks ago.



Aku tidak bilang bahwa mereka membawa satu gaya sastra yang revolusioner, tapi yang sangat aku harapkan, kita memulai satu generasi sastra di mana kita bisa menunjukan konsistensi kita terhadap sastra. Kalau kata teman saya, "Inilah saatnya sastra Indonesia keluar dari wilayah geografisnya, bukan orang per orang, tapi satu rombongan penulis baru. Untuk membuat sastra Indonesia mendunia, syarat ini harus dipenuhi oleh para penulisnya: militansi, belajar terus-menerus, tak pernah berhenti, konsistensi ... yang semuanya artinya sama aja, integritas!"

mas eka



i want to establish this.

i often don't understand myself on how contrast things consist inside me. somewhere between those line i do realize i need to balance my life...and that had never been easy.

this blog is such an inspiration sometimes:)