soup day! i've been surviving today with just soups + a bit of bread, brunch - chicken soup and now dinner - chicken and corn soup. i don't know, i have a craving with soup. maybe because of my sore throat (it's still annoying). though i love the warm feeling in my stomache by eating a cup of hot soup:)

it reminds me with ivan denisovich in solzhenityzn novel, the story of survival still stay vividly in my mind. somehow it just make me appreciate more and more what we have today, many people still die in hunger in the other part of the world. if i was reminded with that i loose my appetite. it's just too contrast and i keep on raising questions in my head on how, why, etc...



i was suprised with the fact that i haven't call my parents for let say from febuary this year. well, we got emails happening but i don't know why i satisfy with just that. well first it's money and second i don't really mind not hearing their voices, i guess i'm used to see typing of letters than talking on the phone. i call taufiq instead, once or twice a month, am i egoistic to do that? i don't know...



i guess taufiq is just a different matter, his emails is rather irregular (so i had to save some money to call him) due to his activities but lately he came online a lot to talk with me. i found that rather suprising too. i kinda felt lost when our relationship were on the edge a couple of months back. i'm glad that now it just brought us more closer than ever before. though maybe we're too honest to each other, but i prefer it that way. i felt i loose the thread but we always meet in the same end...i feel way lighter now...it doesn't bother me anymore... i don't really care what the fact and the reality is, i just love him that's all what i know...maybe i'm to naive and don't see other things beside of that. oh no, i actually do see them and it's hurting me everytime i turn myself that way. but i do realize, things shouldn't be perfect, so let me enjoy the pain as much as i enjoy every bits of happiness in it.



didier reminds me things about family as he talk about his family to me. i found myself have lots of similarity with didier, though he's more in the extreme side. i was pretty close with my parents but as i grew older i see things rather different, things i would really not like to open wide because it might cause them some shock. yes, i do feel the gap now. sometimes it drew closer, sometimes it drew further. although my parents didn't particularly like my choices but they can accept it and give me the freedom to do whatever i want to do with my life. though i would most probably accross some borders that they wouldn't like me to cross. i already did some actually. sometimes i feel i always seen to be the rebel in the family, hmm....maybe:) another things seems weird to me, shear seen and talk to my parents more than me. it's soo weird, i never meet shear, i just know him via online but wow he even know ricco(uhh, miss u my baby *hiks*, i miss my dog) quiet well. life is funny isn't it?;)



why do i feel like writing this? i guess i miss my love ones, the thought about dying occur to me. especially when the conversation with togap reminds me with the quote "life to the fullest". i keep question myself, have i life to the fullest? do i like my present state or do i hate it? i can say that my 18 years of life been pretty up and down and going zig zag here and there. i'm much a serious person than i was back then. i have change a lot, especially in the inside. do i regret it? no, i don't.



i just feel that i want to go home now...i really do. home...where the heart is...