i had found my grass

this blog had reach its end of history and i'm moving everything to here:

the tale of nomads

and walking around in here:

perjalanan jauh

thks everyone. enjoy:)

being back at my parents house for any reason was a mistake. i thought i had taken things lightly, but NOT. the fact is that it's very hard for me to live with this family ever again. i've been away too long. changing too much. i'm not the 15 year old girl who walk out from this house with those 2 luggages. i'm just not that person anymore. no one seems to understand it in this house. with the event of my mother passing away, things just going depressive. this house is depressive. i'm just not going to dwell into it. this situation is going to where everybody just need to take care of themselves. deal with it and survive. not putting any burden to anyone for all they care. i guess i had lost my sympathy for any form of lost. cause i had taken back all my feelings for everything too long. for i haven't even grieve for my myself.

i guess i had to take care for myself for now. i need to go back to yogya and live on.

the thing about silence

for this sad house, silence just what i have to do. and leave. far far away.

home where the heart doesn't belong

it's hard to go back and try to stay from where you had been very far away. very very lost with the surrounding situation. things are getting sentimental and emotional. for a lone wanderer. home seems not exist there anymore. more within heart. more within people you love and the ones that trully understand you. not a place nor buildings. i had lost it. the roots where i had cut it myself. those all sickening line of histories. written and not to be forgotten. marking lives with its own tragedies. i had enough.

i'm having my own life. with the path i had chooses. home that i had chooses.

my new travel mate

introducing: gabo (my new macbook)
a white jewel for starting a new fresh chapter of a journey in life.

love it with all my heart. hehehe. *non stopping grin*

since that 6th august morning

i had drop everything. everything. i had to take a flight to jakarta in the 7th morning. both of my parents are hospitalized. my mother with her complication after her 2nd chemotherapy. my father who are vomitting blood that morning. he was in icu when i got there. my mother condition are not looking good either (seems to be declining to be honest).

eventhough now my father is recovering but as tired as he is, he's forcing himself to take care my mother. my days are filled with people coming to visit the hospital. praying for my mother and all (though i'm not suppose to say this, but i'm getting sick of it).

hospital. hospital. and hospital.

doctor. nurse. doctor.

all those chemical vocabularies. all those medical terms.

dear god.

i need a break.

my tiredness has reach my physical being. i had not recovered for a three days headache and a slight fever. not to mention my annoying allergy with cold wheather(yeah, i'm really the tropical type). i need to see someone. cigarettes and coffe. a creambath massage and a new hair cut. a new tatto in the middle of my chest, "madre" if any miracle doesn't happen.

my brother seems to regain his new christianity believe. he actually starting to deliver prayers. while i'm untouch and unattaracted for any of this sudden "catholicism" revival. dear god. have mercy on me. this is just getting to much. i cannot compromise that far. i'm still an agnostic at heart anyhow. my spiritual agenda right now so far is starting a yoga class.

the important thing for me now, is seeing my mother being humanly treated. not degenerated. i cannot stand to see her with all those things on her. its excruciating.

the relations of my family with my grandma is beyond any help. enough is enough. for me a real grandma had only touches me one, she's ann pryosusilo, an australian old lady, which takes us only 5 months to make that bond. the blood related grandmas, well, one died without enough time to see me. and this particular living one makes me want to vomit everytime i see her face. such a two faced liar. not to mention my annoying uncle's family with her "green eyed" wife of his. all such hypocrites. i think i need a bucket now.

with all this emotional tensions, which make my long pms period shine in 10 metres radius. i need a holiday in the middle of this somehow.

family matters are just so scandalious

i tried to finish half of the family problem decently and of course in some civilized vulgar manner of talk with my grandma. i always think family matters can be as silly as they are. full of scandals that even doesn't suprise me (this thing is good for a novel of course, haha).

but if they expect me to be an angel, all the people in the world would probably prefer to go to hell for that cause.