seeking greener grass

i had found my grass

2006-12-07T16:46:00.000-08:00

this blog had reach its end of history and i'm moving everything to here:

the tale of nomads

and walking around in here:

perjalanan jauh

thks everyone. enjoy:)

2006-10-28T04:24:00.000-07:00

being back at my parents house for any reason was a mistake. i thought i had taken things lightly, but NOT. the fact is that it's very hard for me to live with this family ever again. i've been away too long. changing too much. i'm not the 15 year old girl who walk out from this house with those 2 luggages. i'm just not that person anymore. no one seems to understand it in this house. with the event of my mother passing away, things just going depressive. this house is depressive. i'm just not going to dwell into it. this situation is going to where everybody just need to take care of themselves. deal with it and survive. not putting any burden to anyone for all they care. i guess i had lost my sympathy for any form of lost. cause i had taken back all my feelings for everything too long. for i haven't even grieve for my myself.

i guess i had to take care for myself for now. i need to go back to yogya and live on.

the thing about silence

2006-10-19T01:44:00.000-07:00

for this sad house, silence just what i have to do. and leave. far far away.

home where the heart doesn't belong

2006-09-25T00:09:00.000-07:00

it's hard to go back and try to stay from where you had been very far away. very very lost with the surrounding situation. things are getting sentimental and emotional. for a lone wanderer. home seems not exist there anymore. more within heart. more within people you love and the ones that trully understand you. not a place nor buildings. i had lost it. the roots where i had cut it myself. those all sickening line of histories. written and not to be forgotten. marking lives with its own tragedies. i had enough.

i'm having my own life. with the path i had chooses. home that i had chooses.

my new travel mate

2006-09-18T10:49:00.000-07:00

introducing: gabo (my new macbook)
a white jewel for starting a new fresh chapter of a journey in life.

love it with all my heart. hehehe. *non stopping grin*

since that 6th august morning

2006-08-23T05:48:00.000-07:00

i had drop everything. everything. i had to take a flight to jakarta in the 7th morning. both of my parents are hospitalized. my mother with her complication after her 2nd chemotherapy. my father who are vomitting blood that morning. he was in icu when i got there. my mother condition are not looking good either (seems to be declining to be honest).

eventhough now my father is recovering but as tired as he is, he's forcing himself to take care my mother. my days are filled with people coming to visit the hospital. praying for my mother and all (though i'm not suppose to say this, but i'm getting sick of it).

hospital. hospital. and hospital.

doctor. nurse. doctor.

all those chemical vocabularies. all those medical terms.

dear god.

i need a break.

my tiredness has reach my physical being. i had not recovered for a three days headache and a slight fever. not to mention my annoying allergy with cold wheather(yeah, i'm really the tropical type). i need to see someone. cigarettes and coffe. a creambath massage and a new hair cut. a new tatto in the middle of my chest, "madre" if any miracle doesn't happen.

my brother seems to regain his new christianity believe. he actually starting to deliver prayers. while i'm untouch and unattaracted for any of this sudden "catholicism" revival. dear god. have mercy on me. this is just getting to much. i cannot compromise that far. i'm still an agnostic at heart anyhow. my spiritual agenda right now so far is starting a yoga class.

the important thing for me now, is seeing my mother being humanly treated. not degenerated. i cannot stand to see her with all those things on her. its excruciating.

the relations of my family with my grandma is beyond any help. enough is enough. for me a real grandma had only touches me one, she's ann pryosusilo, an australian old lady, which takes us only 5 months to make that bond. the blood related grandmas, well, one died without enough time to see me. and this particular living one makes me want to vomit everytime i see her face. such a two faced liar. not to mention my annoying uncle's family with her "green eyed" wife of his. all such hypocrites. i think i need a bucket now.

with all this emotional tensions, which make my long pms period shine in 10 metres radius. i need a holiday in the middle of this somehow.

family matters are just so scandalious

2006-07-01T04:58:00.000-07:00

i tried to finish half of the family problem decently and of course in some civilized vulgar manner of talk with my grandma. i always think family matters can be as silly as they are. full of scandals that even doesn't suprise me (this thing is good for a novel of course, haha).

but if they expect me to be an angel, all the people in the world would probably prefer to go to hell for that cause.

hidup begitu mudah hilang

2006-06-18T09:53:00.000-07:00

saya hanya lelah, beberapa hari terakhir, sedikit kosong dan tidak ingin ngapa-ngapain. saya sedang mencoba mengingat-ngingat. mungkin benar kata alia, inilah saat-saat dimana mengingat dan melupakan berlangsung.

pagi saat gempa, yang saya ingat, saya hanya menatap langit-langit rumah bersama anton. selama hampir satu menit. percayalah kami berdua tidak akan sanggup bangun di jam yang demikian. bahkan ketika suasana semakin dramatis karena dua botol minuman kosong jatuh dan pecah secara bersamaan dari atas rak buku kami di ruangan sebelah. kami tetap menatap langit-langit itu. semua tetangga saya keluar rumah, saya hanya keluar sebentar, menyapa satu ibu dan kembali ke dalam. sedangkan anton seperti ritual pagi harinya yang biasa, mengambil segelas air minum dalam cangkirnya dan menyalakan rokok. saya pun masih mengantuk. setelah itu saya tertidur. sepertinya ada gempa susulan namun saya tidak juga terbangun. listrik mati. tidak ada satupun dari kami memiliki pulsa, dan sms yang masuk semakin banyak.

jam sebelas karena sms ayah saya yang masuk, saya beranjak mencari pulsa. di luar toko-toko mulai tutup, semua voucher habis (saya tidak percaya elektronik). saya sampai turun ke mirota jakal, atm pun offline. melihat orang-orang panik membeli makanan di mirota jakal. saya hanya meraih pasta gigi yang memang sudah habis, yang rencana sebelumnya akan saya beli di indomaret dekat rumah (yang ternyata tutup). ada nuansa panik yang muncul. hanya satu hal yang bisa saya pikirkan, mampir ke wartel dekat rumah sebelum pulang.

semua berita itu saya terima dalam percakapan lima menit bersama ayah dan ibu saya di bogor. saya tidak sadar berjam-jam sebelumnya orang-orang panik karena isu tsunami melewati jalan kaliurang hingga mencapai kilometer 14. di rumah, anton menyalakan televisi. saya teringat aceh.

selanjutnya yang saya ingat hanya ribuan sms, telepon, mendata barang, menyalurkan barang, informasi, apapun sampai saya tidak ingat lagi.

saat ini saya sedang mencoba bernafas. mengingat-ngingat apa yang sebetulnya perlu saya lakukan sekarang.

saya harus menengok dan menemani ibu saya yang sedang kemoterapi (lagi).
saya harus ujian dan menyelesaikan tugas kuliah yang menumpuk, karena jika tidak saya harus mengulang semuanya tahun depan.
saya harus kkn. yang entah bagaimana keputusannya di tangan para birokrat kampus yang brengsek, munafik, otoriter bangsat dan berotak proyek itu (maaf, saya begitu benci birokrasi!).
saya harus membayar sewa rumah saya untuk setahun lagi. yang tentu saja naik. huff!
saya harus memulai skripsi dan riset saya.
saya tidak sanggup menerima tawaran tempat kerja saya untuk full time disana. sama sekali tidak sanggup. maaf kawan-kawan, saya harus membenahi hidup saya.

sepertinya saya harus bersyukur bahwa saya masih hidup. bahkan ketika letupan awan panas terakhir berlangsung, malamnya saya bersama delapan kawan saya, tetap nekat ke atas sana. berdiri menatap merapi yang membara dari jarak 5 kilometer. hanya untuk mencari ketenangan.

hidup begitu mudah hilang. dan saya sedang mencoba mempertahankannya.

gempa di yogyakarta

2006-06-02T11:37:00.000-07:00

info online:

http://tandabaca.multiply.com

2006-05-20T10:59:00.000-07:00

love is all about timing. it's not good when it's too early or too late.

wkf - 2046

my final confession

2006-01-21T08:03:00.000-08:00

as a matter a fact, after all the things i can talk with my parents and how far now we had actually reconnected in this time of life, i had never really actually confess about my love life. i was never prepared with their reaction (well looking with their past panicked reactions). it's already amazing to see how tolerant are they with my life condition, with the path i had chooses and might chooses. and i love them for that.

the thing is i guess i sort off always fallen with the guys that make them worry or if to put them in a conservative point of view, the type of guys that will make them go mad. out of all things i realize how hard it was for my parents at their age to have a daughter of my age. our age difference are nearly 40 years. those generations gaps are not an easy one. and this world are getting crazier every day.

but accidentally with a tease, i confess to them this morning between light talks with some of my parents friends. i even show them his picture. and their reaction are remarkably calm. i told anton this afternoon and we felt that another weight in our shoulders had just been lift. another step i had taken and i'm just sooooo sooo fuckin glad.

i guess this is the only anniversary gift i can give to our relationship today. it's maybe one of the nicest:)

and how i love to remember that this time last year, we start ourselves to enter this relation by making love after a long 21 days of separation and worries, with my stitched knee and a bump on my head after a motorcycle accident in that same night, that had just put me in a life and death situation. i'm glad i survived to be right here today.

i love u mom. i love u dad. and of course lastly, i love u, my sayang:)

love thing

2005-12-24T05:16:00.000-08:00

1. You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and
free.

2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you
feel irresistable is straight-forward, just tell you he/she
loves you.

3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is optimistic.

4. You don't like it when your partner is emotional and/or too
moody; and you don't know how to please him/her.

5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your
partner is one which make you feel warmth and in-love always.

6. You care about the society and morality, you won't do anything
wrong after marriage.

7. You think of marriage as a precious thing. Once you get married,
you'll treasure it and your partner very much.

8. At this moment, you don't have the thirst for love, you can't do
anything for it, you won't fall for it easily.

Having a test thing. haha. really?:P

2005-11-27T06:31:00.000-08:00

berapa banyak hal telah membuatmu merasa dadamu akan meledak dan air matamu akan menitik. namun hal itu tidak terjadi, sehingga buncahan akan kepingan-kepingan peristiwa mengalir jauh di atas ingatanmu yang tak kenal waktu.

berapa potongan film. berapa rasa yang dipendam. berapa lama bekasan-bekasan itu akan tetap menorehmu begitu dalam.

kau ingin membuang beban rasa di pundakmu sekali waktu, namun kau tetap tak sanggup.

why are you always in some verge of crying?

i wish i knew. i wish.

all about my mother

2005-11-25T11:20:00.000-08:00

my memories flashes in everything i look. on the road i took. it's all about my mother. which worries me. with makes me nervous. and i have to be honest to her, after 22 years, i don't think i've been enough. knowing her.

my current situation

2005-11-25T11:12:00.000-08:00

thx 2 colorquiz.com

Your Existing Situation
Works well in cooperation with others. Needs a personal life of mutual understanding and freedom from discord.

Your Stress Sources
The tenacity and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties has become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Clings to her belief that her hopes and ideas are realistic, but needs encouragement and reassurance. Applies very exacting standards to her choice of a partner and wants guarantees against loss or disappointment.
Circumstances force her to compromise and to forgo some pleasures for the time being. Capable of achieving physical satisfaction from sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Longs for sensitive and sympathetic understanding and wants to protect herself against argument, conflict, or any exhausting stresses.

Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.

2005-11-09T19:59:00.000-08:00

"A person isn't born with the intelligence to be with someone especial, you learn it, and you fail in the path of life, but you don't have to give up the chance to love." - Gael Garcia Bernal

the smell of home

2005-10-29T06:59:00.000-07:00

yesterday morning, after an hour flight from yogyakarta i had a smooth landing in cengkareng airport. straightly going to the bus stop and in a few minutes after the bus with the "bogor" sign on it came, i pick my seat. i resume my lost sleep this week on the bus, a bloody continuation from the plane. i saw my parents picking me up. had a chinese lunch at mie baso tasik and went straight home. my dog was barking loud i can hear it from the street in front of my house. i had this comfy feeling which lost ages ago from this place. i feel home again, beside the same sense that i only felt it in yogya for the last few years.

i somehow talkatively attentive speaking with my parents along the way yesterday. at home, at the mall and everything. i went swimming this morning with them too and start my detoxification phase for 3 days, recommended by my mom. i'm fasting like a moslem somehow, watching my dad munching a&w fish sandwich and the famous rootbeer float in front of me this afternoon. but yeah, i was 'kuat iman' dan 'semoga banyak pahala', haha. anyway, i only drank basically liquid stuff and munching fruits all day, and of course bottle of waters. beside the headaches i had all day, i'm starting to feel better.

i know how my health had declined this last few years. how i didn't even move my body to sweat accept this particular 'olahraga', hehehe:P anyway, after a week of revelation with randu, i find my long lost himalayan style meditation. very long to explain, but somehow i manage to meditate to start heal my body parts that had been facing some decline. it felt really good from a long time, deep to my spirits too. buy yeah, i'm still not a 'tobat' person, i don't believe in sin, i don't regrets things. i think i'll add another tatto in sanskrit soon.

vero is coming to my house in the next few days, i wanted to go to jakarta actually, but we'll see coz i want to go in some parts in bogor and take some nostalgic pictures. i want to feel the grass at the botanical garden again, i hope the rain will not going hard on us.

i'm missing anton, already:P we're having a little break till lebaran ends. but it doesn't feel like a break, i guess we just need some time to be apart a little. we do need our own space sometimes;)

i guess this holiday season will be a good one:)

another boms

2005-10-01T07:36:00.000-07:00

getting pissed off with the situation lately. last nite the fuel went hike and 6 boms exploded in bali in the last few hours. there goes my freakin holiday along with the bird flu threat around.

yeah, life is tough. i'm short of comments.

2046

2005-09-01T06:21:00.000-07:00

by 2046 i'll be sixty three, if i manage to survive life or some dramatic world war. 2046 by wong kar wai just affected my memories so much, that if things wouldn't change and stay the same in 2046, i'll most probably go mad and sad in the same time.

craving for cold beer

2005-08-19T08:02:00.000-07:00

it's another headache, after some sleepless nights cause by problems at work, my study and all the things absorbed in my mind lately. but my head start to go a bit normal now, maybe just because i hadn't ate that much lately. or haven't had enough rice this last few days. yeah, alas, i had an indonesian typical stomach.

some friends were graduating yesterday and lutfi took us all to lunch at coulier cafe. a very frenchy lunch. with old talks and happy friends. it took most of my paranoid part of mind that i had during my pms (yeah what other reason could i have?).

i think i need some cold beer tonight. i might drop by to circle k and fill some gasoline to my motorcycle tank. the journey a few kilos down will be freezing as hell, coz summer is here in yogyakarta with its very cold night.

yeah a bottle of beer to share and some good movies will sound tempting tonite.

tentang bertemu orang-orang

2005-08-12T06:23:00.000-07:00

setelah beberapa pertengkaran yang konyol, pintu rumah yang selalu nyaris tertutup (ketika terbuka lebar, maling sialan mencuri salah satu sepatu saya - dengan kaos kaki kesayangan saya di dalamnya - dan sepatu pacar yang saya bela-belain beli jauh-jauh), tubuh yang tidak kunjung sembuh dari penyakit-penyakit yang terdengar sepele, saya keluar rumah. bertemu dengan orang-orang. banyak.

anehnya, saya mulai merasakan rasa ketakutan yang tidak jelas. kebingungan yang nyaris absurd. seperti berada di planet yang membuat saya asing. seperti gejala kesepian akut yang selalu saya alami jika mengendarai motor malam-malam sekali. kenikmatan yang nyaris sado-masokis. saya mulai mempunyai beberapa kebiasaan yang rutin dan domestik. yang kadang jika saya terdiam di pojokan ruangan, saya merasa nyaris gila.

apa yang saya khawatirkan dari hal-hal yang mapan? dari hal-hal yang terlihat indah yang saya lihat di depan mata saya akhir-akhir ini? dari kekacauan-kekacauan yang mengubah sekian hal dalam hidup setiap orang? apa yang membuat saya risau, ketika melihat seorang perempuan berumur 19 tahun, mendongengkan bayinya dengan cerita peter pan yang dimodifikasi olehnya? semuanya membuat saya semakin cemas. semakin tidak terlepas dari hal-hal yang sejak dulu selalu membebani dan bersarang di pojokan kepala saya yang busuk. dari sekian memori yang sudah tergores dalam jejak-jejak pada tubuh saya. amnesia saya.

saya ingin diam dan melihat waktu berlalu di depan saya. dengan segala ingatan yang telah membawa saya dalam lingkaran yang seperti ini.

swan feathers in your dream

2005-08-06T02:48:00.000-07:00

my mom did came last week, staying at my house for 2 days, bothering me on cleaning the house not that well. oh well, she's a super clean woman and look a little terrified in seeing the living condition i was in. she even buying me a mop and all complete cleaning utilities. haha. but hey, i'm trying to have a better life here so far. she didn't complain as much as i expected. she told me to take care myself, coz i'm always getting sick with sickness because i'm terribly tired and don't have enough sleep. well, well, but things went allrite between us. i haven't had the guts to say about my little dirty secrets. not the time yet i guess. i felt i'm still a little girl when i can't say the things i actually want to share to her. i'm afraid still with her reaction or worse dad's reaction. argh, don't go there yet. i have enough trouble already in my daily life.

so yeah, alfi decided to sleep at tjuan's place. anton, decide to sleep at reza's place. it's like a hide and seek thing. eventhough my mom know that i lived there with some friends, she just haven't know who are they and what are my relationship really with one of them. haha. i felt like being a hypocrite sometimes (which i hate soo much). what do u expect from indonesian parents, as liberal as they can be, hard to accept inter-religion relationship (eventhough they know i don't go to church anymore, let down being a catholic, or even nearly in some point being an atheist). in reality, i don't remember not falling to muslim guys so far. still it's about family isn't it? living together? they say generally it's okay, but when they found out that, well, i've been living with my ex bf before for like 2 1/2 years and yeah now with my current bf for the last 6 months. hey it's their daughter they're talking about? no bloody way. so come here the moralist judgement etc etc etc. i don't want to imagine what things going to happen there. i'll save it for later. i'll let them guess so far.

i took her around, dining in some nice places in yogyakarta. gajah wong was one of the best. i eventually manage to talk and catch up with things with her. she's a real busy woman now, with me and my brother not at home anymore.

then i took earlier flight on last sunday morning to jakarta, she took the later. we nearly (3 of us, vero and onie too) miss the plane because of mr. onie wiranda being late and not knowing where the airport was. we arrive in jakarta an hour later. took the bus to gambir train station and then took a taxicab to lisa's place in menteng. alex was the only one alive that morning there, and the dogs. all the lovely huskies was being kidnapped and never return (blup and vodka), we all left by bola (a snowy look a like dog) and abstrak (blup bastard son with a local neighbourhood dog). i was a little sad, i miss all their huskies.

lisa was awaken when we were going for lunch in a mall nearby. i had a korean hot pot fish honey for lunch and we went around until 2 pm in aksara bookstore in plaza indonesia. then we took the taxi to aksara kemang for our book launch. the manager, mbak vivi was extremely suprising figure. pretty, intelligent, and too hot for a mother for two small children. i always fall in love with women like that and a bookstore like this. i cannot forget ibu silvia tiwon comment about the bookstore that night. she felt lost. in time and space. strange. she says it's like a bookstore in the states but it's not. it's jakarta, bu, we're in kemang. she's suprisingly funny for a lecture in berkeley. she's going back to states again next month. hope to see her again at the end of the year.

the discussion went allright, around 25 - 30 people come and after we had our own little discussion on the cafe at the back. i was kidnapped at 7.30 by agung to randu's place. she promise us a absolut vanilla for the night there. the next morning, after two hours slept and a little hang over, i had to face jakarta monday morning traffic. with an overcrowded bus, to go to menteng cause i promise vero i'll meet her that morning. no one was awake in menteng. i was left with the two dogs. taking picture of abstrak eating and playing. sips of acehnese coffe and dji sam soe kretek cigarette. how a morning in menteng can be beautiful in this town of hell and hectic. it make me consider again if i'm going to stay in jakarta in the next 5 years and stay there. no answer yet and the clock is ticking.

vero was awaken around 9. after a chat at breakfast at a near warung, we came back to watch alex and lisa awaken as well. i talk with lisa regarding to my thesis topic until sayed call me and insist to meet me in tim. we was planning to watch a movie, but didn't manage because all the schedule either pass already or the movie are just too bloody hollywood. so we just stay at bakoelkoeffie, one the best coffeshop in jakarta, i love the branch in cikini, with it's colonial times building preserve. you just lost the time there. i had my regular vietnamese coffe. sayed had his espresso and a vanilla milkshake afterwards. we talk alot about our thai days and the planning in the future. yeah he just graduated. until the clock reach 5 pm, where i had to catch my uncle's car if i wanna get a lift to bogor.

home was usual, a good resting place for two days. didn't manage to meet my brother coz he's still in jakarta. my mom bought me a new pillow (bloody expensive with swan feathers) coz she saw that my pillow at the house was in a very bad condition. haha, the things mom do for you. anyway, i had a good sleep this couple of nights i'm back in yogyakarta. but with a cough that make me swallow cough medicine that made me feel a little depressive. i've been cooking at home, wanton soup and some tofu stir-fry, tried to write but head spinning aren't that good in front computers. i just went out again today to the office, no one here too in this lazy afternoon accept hadi who fail to go to aceh again because of the tension. damn, how i need to read newspaper this last few weeks.

i re-read anais nin works to get some ideas in my head lately, but was disturbed by anton this morning;P how anais really can make people feel wet.

satu dosis obat batuk sirup hitam

2005-08-06T02:27:00.000-07:00

yeah, obat batuk yang sudah kau telan 4 sendok makan membuat depresimu berkepanjangan. tidak sanggup menekan keyboard untuk menyelesaikan yang sudah-sudah. kau meraih anais nin, yang membuatmu basah semalaman. ini sabtu sore nyaris malam minggu dan orang-orang sudah mengudara. ingatanmu nyaris membusuk dan lupa. ini hari apa sedang apa? kau sudah telat membaca koran berminggu-minggu. kau harus menagih naskah-naskah. dan jangan lupa kau harus kuliah.

seek sick six

2005-07-27T07:08:00.000-07:00

i got some herpes chicken pox dots in my back for this bloody week, but i'm okay now. nothing that serious. really, i was just sick physically, a bit panicking mentally because my mom is going to visit me tomorrow afternoon and spending 2 days at my house and 3 days in yogyakarta. she got this seminar happening on saturday. and i wanna watch GIE, yes, the movie in these few days along with some party (or launching of some art presentation?) by gentur invitation. irwan ahmett show i presume.

i got a new computer table (finally), cleaning the library but not the house yet. argh. i hate kicking out 2 guys out of house for 2 days just for my mom sake. dunno-lah.

by sunday morning i'll be in jakarta, for ON/OFF launch in jakarta at Aksara Bookstore. i wanna see some peeps, well not some, but like EVERYONE.

i'm starting my writing project again by tonite, upps, nearly forget the deadline for the porn stories anthology. ay, nothing dirty happening in my mind this last few days accept watching some marlboro girl scandal mobile video. the scream, uh yeah, the urge to attack someone in bed tonite.

oh well, it's 21.13, better pick him up soon. hungry too. i'm in a bloody monetery crisis that force me to eat instant noddles and a glass of milk for a balance breakfast.

tentang beribu rasa cemas

2005-07-09T04:35:00.000-07:00

kamu selalu benci berurusan dengan birokrasi. apalagi tentara. yang kau patahkan tulang bahunya enam bulan yang lalu. dimana kau masih pusing membayar kontrakanmu yang belum juga lunas. kau dengan pasti berkata anjing! bayaranmu yang juga masih pas-pasan. kamu selalu cemas, tidak mampu bertahan di depan komputer berjam-jam seperti yang kau harapkan untuk menghasilkan lebih banyak tulisan dengan lebih cerdas. atau terlalu kelelahan karena pulang terlalu malam. kau terdampar atau lebih tepat melarikan dengan banyak bentuk visual di otakmu yang bertumpukan menjadi mimpi buruk yang sulit kau cerna. kau terbangun di pagi yang jatuh dipenuhi dengan rutinitas kampus yang harus kau lakukan dengan menyebalkan. kau selalu ingin liburan. ke tempat-tempat yang jauh. pergi dan meninggalkan banyak hal tanpa penyesalan yang berlebihan. kau selalu cemas akan segala sesuatu yang menimpamu. baik atau buruk. seringkali kau pun menjadi bagian dari orang-orang sedih. yang selalu menjadi inspirasimu akan drama. dan kau tertawa, mentertawakan semua bagian duniamu dengan satir dan setengah terpaksa.

apa kamu baik-baik saja?

the rented house

2005-07-01T05:47:00.000-07:00

so yeah, after the terrible complaint and waste energy of the last three months, bitter memories of the three months before, we decided to rent the house again. with the same prices and two times payments. somehow we can afford it by scabbing things from our savings and things. and we feel better now, having a house that start to feel more homie than ever before.

i started to arrange things more seriously, cleaning, cooking stuff around the house. eventhough i'm still disturb with the existence of television in the middle of the house. so we had to make a deal when to turn it on and not.

alfi was back from surabaya, but he's okay now i guess. so far, we're quiet happy living together in the banteng house, third alley number five. somehow the last few days we had some friends coming over. eka, anas and onie was staying for tea and coffe on wednesday night. got into interesting and warm conversation with long lost friends. not so lost, just not meet and communicate often. and the next morning, pam and jena was in the living room for breakfast, had some talk around. how i long to go to bandung now and try the new highway:P

i'm trying to sit in front of computer lately, for a long time and write things. write the things i'm suppose to be writing this long twenty two years of life. well, i start going to uni again on monday but the schedule is not that disturbing. i had the routine now to go to the office from 4 - 9.30 pm, and dominating one computer to write, well surfing the net too lately. man, we got wi-fi connection to starting today. but i have to buy the extra tools for that coz my old laptop doesn't have it. and i want a dvd player too in my computer (fuck u pam, don't remind me:P), and and i saw ipod and ishuffle at artha too, i want that too. damn. some books at aksara and kinokuniya that i didn't manage to get when i was in jakarta. and some cooking books, haha, plus an oven:P man, the whole lot isn't it?

anyway, had to go back to my writing again.

online

2005-06-29T03:44:00.000-07:00

komputer di kantor dah online lagi. hehehe.

re-orientation

2005-06-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

the highway seems to be so pretty in sight last nite from the window's bus. and it's done, things that made me crash into nothing this past few months. the things that made you feel how lucky you are and then made you to be real sensitive on things that even not matters that much. so this is how it's done. by a haircut without looking back ever again the things that always had been holding you back.

jakarta lagi

2005-06-21T09:44:00.000-07:00

merasa sedikit aneh. membawa sebatang coklat untuk ayahku dan sekotak kado kecil untuk ulang tahun ibuku yang ke 59. bagaimana waktu telah membawa kita ke umur yang sedemikian. aku membawa-bawa file dalam usbku. mencoba mengeditnya saat ini tetapi sepertinya akan gagal jika aku setelah ini memilih untuk tidur saja.

masih merasa sedikit aneh untuk melakukan sesuatu apa walaupun beberapa saat yang lalu memiliki sekian planning untuk dilakukan sampai senin depan. aku seperti meninggalkan sepotong diriku di yogyakarta setelah sekian lama. rasa aneh yang kutinggal untuk kutemukan kembali potongannya di jalan-jalan. sekian cerita yang sudah membuatku sampai pada hari ini.

multiplying

2005-05-24T03:11:00.000-07:00

it's me at multiply

2005-05-22T01:23:00.000-07:00

saya ingin menekan tombol delete tanpa perasaan melankoli yang mendera.

minggu yang malas dan rasa cemas

2005-05-22T00:28:00.000-07:00

bau strawberry lotion from the body shop masih melekat di lenganku. pagi yang malas dan rasa vanilla dari absolut yang kubawa dari bangkok airport yang tiba-tiba aku lupa namanya saat ini juga masih tajam di bibir dan barangkali masih terproses di antara ginjal atau bagian dalam otakku. vodka sialan yang masih tertawa dengan seperempat sisa di botolnya yang dengan sukses menewaskan enam orang semalaman.

40 hari yang sudah membuatku malas bertemu terlalu banyak orang, terlalu banyak basa basi dan ingin menyelesaikan hal-hal yang membuatku wajib dengan tergesa. juga segala macam persoalan yang menyangkut kepindahan rumah (lagi!), hal-hal yang membuat orang semacamku menjadi terlalu cemas dan mencari semacam pelariannya dengan berhenti melakukan segala sesuatu atau melakukan segala sesuatu dengan sama gila.

pada titik tertentu aku seringkali merasa harus berhenti dan saat ini aku sudah mencoba berhenti, membuka lembaran kertas kosong di hadapanku dan melupakan hal-hal norak dan tidak perlu yang terjadi sepanjang dua puluh dua tahun. tepatnya bukan melupakan dengan total tetapi hanya keluar dari tokoh aku yang berada disana selama ini. berhenti dengan seksama dan segera move on!! literally.

aku butuh menghilang, meninggalkan ruang kuliah yang kurang dari seminggu dari semester ini, meninggalkan pekerjaan dan muncul pada saat-saat mendesak yang penuh cercaan. aku butuh jadi buronan sementara, ketika tahun masih menunjukkan 2005 masehi.

dan bukanlah karena aku dalam fase penyucian apalagi pengakuan dosa. please. berhenti dengan semua tatanan nilai moral yang menjengkelkan itu. aku hanya ingin membereskan apa-apa yang sedang berlangsung dalam hidupku, menyapu keluar semua hal yang belum pernah kukeluarkan dari hidupku selama ini.

aku butuh bertemu ayahku, karena terakhir kali aku bertemu dengannya ia terlihat menyedihkan dan kesepian. menangisi sebatang coklat swiss dengan liquor orange enam dollar-an yang sebetulnya bukan kubelikan untuknya di bandara changi. serta memikirkan ulang sampai sejauh mana aku menjadi seseorang yang entah diharapkannya atau tidak, terlebih karena aku sudah tidak pernah menyentuh gereja dan mungkin sekali akan terdampar menikahi seseorang lelaki yang sudah pasti muslim. betapa agama menjadikan hubungan manusia menjadi serumit tetek bengek yang menjengkelkan. dan sungguh aku benci hal-hal yang merepotkan.

aku masih lupa dimana rumahku berada. tempatku yang sebenar-benarnya. karena satu-satunya tempat yang patut kusebut rumah adalah sebuah rumah kontrakan yang akan habis masa kontrakannya bulan depan. dengan beberapa tanaman mati yang baru saja kubereskan kemarin. dengan keanehan banyaknya kecoa mati dan kutu-kutu kecil yang aku tidak tahu namanya merayap memasuki ruangan-ruangan yang tidak biasa ditempatinya. kabarnya hal ini terjadi di rumah-rumah yang lain. hari-hari seperti mau memasuki semi kiamat yang diramalkan di kitab-kitab.

bayangan kota bangkok menerpa mataku, dan aku menangisi sekian hal yang lupa aku kemas bersamanya pulang. serta dikejar untuk mengirimkan berbagai email ke penjuru asia tenggara, tidak termasuk burma, brunei, singapura dan east timor(?) untuk alasan yang politis dan apolitis sekalipun.

aku butuh kopi. hot chocolate. real god damn ice cream. green tea with milk seven eleven yang tidak dapat kujangkau lagi. pembersih muka boots yang cuma kubeli sebotol dan ternyata membuat kulitku untuk pertama kalinya tidak teriritasi dengan jenis kosmetik, yang sungguh kukhawatirkan tidak dapat kutemukan di jakarta sekalipun. shit. aku ingin membaca lagi dengan sungguh-sungguh buku-buku yang kubeli dan kuburu juga dengan sungguh-sungguh. mengetik tanpa gangguan apapun dari dunia luar, kecuali tiga hal: bercinta, memasak dan panggilan alam yang lain.

maaf. saya sedang ingin teramat egois.

sergent garcia live in yogyakarta

2005-05-16T08:17:00.000-07:00

just got back on friday at the yogyakarta airport. with this weird jetlag stuff (i don't know if it's jetlag or not, or even a yuppies wannabe thing), imagine breakfast in bangkok, afternoon in singapore, late afternoon in jakarta, late night in bogor and the next morning in yogyakarta. geez.

but i'm glad to see anton in first thing in yogyakarta:P

mwah:x

my house was a little trash out coz alfi got caught by the police with my motorcycle for a week and cannot go home. most of the plants was sort of dead or live situation, well to tell u the truth, mostly dead. so yeah, we have to clean around first and taking everything out from the luggage.

he loves the red boxer and the boxer shoes:P

anyway, weekend was fast and fun!!!!;P *wink wink*

did cooking and everything, did my first sambal again in indonesia:P

but yeah, have to finish work and stuff. some bad news about work. have to go to the class tomorrow:( morning argh!

i just watch sergent garcia at societet hall, one of the reason why i love yogya soo much. try to upload more stuff and pic later. maybe creating a multiply account. argh later later later...

2005-05-09T23:20:00.000-07:00

travelling is just such a good medicine for a hectic life full of drama.

i forgot to put him inside my luggage, so i want to take him now and go all the way.

some narcis conversation

2005-05-04T02:05:00.000-07:00

i just hate my writing lately. it sucks. sorry for deleting them lately.

bangkok

2005-04-04T00:20:00.000-07:00

bangkok. ujan deres banget. dari udara kaya kue lapis kemaren sebelum mendarat. tadi banjir2an bo. naek perahu ke kampus. hehehhe. makanannya enak2 banget. kemaren sempet bikin catetan, tapi masih di laptop:p

such a lovely night:)

2005-04-02T08:57:00.000-08:00

a dinner date with anton, hehehe... such a lovely night. everything was great. except i haven't pack for tomorrow and this computer doesn't have a photo editing software, arghhh! ga bisa pamer, hua hua hua hua..au..auuu..uuuuu...:( hiks:(

and little gabito (the teddy bear saru) is sleeping at home.

see u again in bangkok!

i forgot about easter holidays

2005-03-21T22:23:00.000-08:00

hell, yeah. i forgot that this friday is easter holiday. argh. and i'm at home, waiting for someone to drag me to some church somehow. i check citilink online, they only got ticket for tomorrow or saturday. there's still no news from the travel agent about thursday ticket to yogyakarta.

i will have my visa done by tomorrow, wanting to go to jakarta today but didn't manage. slept too late seeing my brother e-comic collection in this computer. i had some load of work in my usb for today. editing before the end of the month. yea yea.

i have to go to yogyakarta by thursday. of course to escape easter and killed by work meetings of the glorious holiday in front of us.

i want some new glasses, this glasses i bought for replacing the one i lost at the accident is not okay. it's annoying at the hanging. i'm waiting for my remittance from seasrep for my ticket to bangkok and the visa too. well they finally reimburse the visa too, so i might can get a new glasses before going to thailand:P

so now, i have to take a shower, a late brunch and edit my works.

2005-03-14T01:31:00.000-08:00

in the revelation of saturday night live, i start my manuscript project. for the long and lost years of the urge to write things and fiction. i finally start and finishing 6 pages in one night. and starting another 2 piece of writings in different style and experiment. i'm hoping i'll stand this towards the day i come home from thailand.

in the mean time i had to keep this things all day and night, also finishing all the matters for taking off 40 days from my daily routine and pretend the days in thailand are really for holidays.

2005-03-10T22:58:00.000-08:00

kemaren sempet posting panjang soal rumah kontrakan tapi tau-tau ilang. hiks. sebel sehingga membutuhkan mood menulis yang sialan setelah 48 jam lamanya dan tetap menjadi tulisan yang tidak selesai mengenai rumah tersebut.

lagi pusing. akhir-akhir punya banyak bayangan buruk di satu ruangan pojokan rumah mengenai seseorang yang menangis di pojokan yang membuatku urgently to weep too. parah. sebel dan ga bisa tidur sendirian dengan tenang.

hpnya mati, dunia komunikasi seperti mati. dan seperti ga punya kekuatan untuk sekedar menengok ke depan kamar kosnya di salah satu gang untuk melihatnya terbuka atau tertutup.

walaupun kemaren i end my pms gracefully with some negative result:P anyway, got a party tonight at the bunker.

2005-03-09T02:32:00.000-08:00

a slow internet line can be fucking annoying in a weird afternoon when you feel that you're not finishing your job lately. or you're busy with something and things seems like not in the end of the pile. like my mobile with your charger and still have not enough time to fill in the energy for it.

we're the restless generation that always seems to look tired and drained. every end of the day. some people say it as a slavery under a modern fascist construction. but i love my work somehow in some love-hate relationship that we often have with things in life. sooo very less sleep lately and the weather are playing around like hell.

it's nearly 6 in the afternoon and my list of jobs for the end of week just adding in number need to be finish.

padahal pengen masak, pacaran dan senang-senang di coffeshop ato angkringan, hhhh...

like water for chocolate

2005-03-07T01:52:00.000-08:00

i had a cooking weekend at home. well, finally after we plan to cook at my house for the last 2 weeks, we did it yesterday night. cooking teriyaki chicken and tumis kangkung. simple eh:P it taste good, i'm glad that it turn okay, i haven't cook again for ages. waiting things to turn into a good mood. like what tita in the movie "like water for chocolate", you have to cook it with care and love. hehehe:D

anyway it's been a latin america week. it's like seeing marquez and all it's el boom everywhere somehow, even in my weirdest dream lately.

the internet is slow and it start to pissing me off. while time is running like hell and i'm waiting for hasta like hell too.

i had to finish something that always urging my back lately soon. argh. like there's not enough time to do things at once. at least i know that 1 baht is two hundred something rupiah. hehehhehe:D

please try again!

2005-03-04T05:06:00.000-08:00

i don't know what's wrong with my work dateline. things just come up not at the right time, like some annoying push up bra. i had also had to manage things in the campus and things before i'm off to thailand.

we got a gabriel garcia marquez literary discussion few nights ago at aky, it went well i think and probably one of our first celebrated sucess after months of internal discussion vacumn:)

i'm dying to buy a canon a75 in the artha store, hiks, it's only cost 2,1 jt now. i want to get them.

i missed some old friends somehow. especially alia.

i'm starting a fictional draft on my great grandma from my father side. just finish collecting my 50 pages of prose for puthut to edit. i don't know if it's worth publishing now. it's collection range from when i was still 17. damn eh?

2005-03-02T03:27:00.000-08:00

some fight to remember, some tears to remember, some pain to remember but above all forgiveness comes and resolve everything.

it felt like a long weekend

2005-02-27T05:34:00.000-08:00

i must admit this: separation sucks. you. real bad.

secondly, i must admit this too: i hate sleeping alone at night.

eventhough i just don't want to be with my ex anymore. didn't have the feeling anymore. it's just suck. things with the habitual meaning in life tooks part of your memory away.

somehow i come across with a cosmo magazine saying the sign and symptoms of nervous breakdown. i felt like it somehow. with my moodswings being really bad lately eventhough things went allrite lately. like hey, i'm going for thailand for 40 days next april. seeing the course schedule, it's merely more like a bloody holiday of the season.

i felt like spend less time to do other things lately. i don't know, i really actually want to get my schedule right. even buying a new organizer for that.

i don't know what phase i'm entering right now. what feeling i'm being right now. it's like a start with an empty blank page ahead.

my budget lately and also my savings after the bloody accident slowly decreasing. another argh! i wanted to cook today but found failures to do so because it's raining the whole day and i couldn't really go out accept for a very late brunch and being in the office right now.

sometimes i just don't know what's wrong? hey, what's wrong?

and he too, keep asking me...

2005-02-24T06:34:00.000-08:00

sido mangkat neng thailand!!!

kami berubah ketika jatuh cinta!

2005-02-17T04:50:00.000-08:00

judul tor pengumuman lowongan naskah yang baru kubuat dan kusebarkan dimana-mana. akhirnya on/off format baru fix dan kami mulai bergerak lagi. argh, akhirnya, at the very last of things.

beli usb baru semalem, harganya 160 ribu, ga gitu mikir bahwa itu uang untuk beli bed cover. ya udah, beli, murah tapi garansinya cuma 6 bulan. padahal di boxnya lima taon. udah gitu ga ada cdnya, di pc bisa tapi di laptop ga bisa. musti nyari cd software or just download it through the internet.

alfi masih di rumah, agak shock gimana tadi pagi menemukan aku tidak sendirian tadi malam, hehehe:P. dua malam yang lalu nonton : the "NOKIA POM POM BOSS". vokalisnya alfi n sopo lali aku jeneng'e n tentu saja gentur baby. mereka seragaman kaya orang-orang eraphone plus nametag lutchunya. aku n vero plus anak2 blank jadi gruppies grup karaoke teranyarr ini. malam radiohead di reddoors distro n cafe (ada alcoholnya, akhirnya ada cafe di utara yang ginian), jadi lagunya radiohead semua. video vietnam-nya gentur keren, pas banget buat nutup. sumpah.

gabito lagi sengsara di tas, ga ta keluarin seharian. ada kesukaannya yang paling baru: 'maen bola':P~ hihihihi.

yogyakarta dalam cuaca yang sengsara, pagi-siang-sore panas anjing2an, sore-malem ujan gede banget truz rintik2 rese gitu. tapi ga ada badai, sultan katanya ampuh. sampe tepar pusing kepanasan tadi sore dan ketiduran pas ujan gede banget di pendopo insist. dua komputer aky dengan sukses dijangkiti spam, ga bisa dibuat kerja sama sekali. anjing!

berjuang dengan senang hati menyelesaikan biografi marquez, juga harus berjuang menerjemahkan satu bagian untuk pagina. besok musti bayar bills, damn. bop juga gagal diperjuangkan anak-anak, jadi bayar aga telat2 dikit gitu. ga jelas mata kuliah buat semester ini. dan klo awal maret dah fix diumumin, i'm flying to thailand...semoga. kayanya exciting, tapi koq lama ya dan cuma gabito yang ikut:(

tadi abis ngomong ama bowo, ngobrol2 dan gossip rame-rame sedikit freak. soal design dan kehidupan serta kejahatan-kejahatan berikut pengakuan-pengakuannya.

gabito

2005-02-14T08:30:00.000-08:00

my teddy bear gave me a real brown teddy bear this afternoon. it's some bloody valentine and i'm stuffed with chocolate for the day. some chocolate ice cream at lunch with him and abi, then some piece of cadburry small bars in the afternoon, and just before after dinner, drink hot chocolate at rumah kopi with him.

this morning my ex-boyfriend took his things away and move out from the house. i felt a bit mean somehow, but things just happen this way. i could not have it any other way.

anyway, we named the teddy bear: gabito, si boneka beruang saru. it's named after the our master in literature, gabriel garcia marquez. its watches us all day long with our crazy act with the new member of the family. gabito, i hope don't write everything he saw someday:P

i'm seeing a bolivian activist and lecturer tomorrow morning. accompanying abi to be the guide of her tomorrow. she sound very interesting. but yeah, i have to finish a report by tonight and wake up at 9 at the very least tomorrow. i have a report meeting at 3 pm tomorrow. i have to finish quick and go home. alfi is at my house for a while, finishing datelines and trying out my new PC. he's been guarding the house while i was away. he's been kind to comfort dodon while i'm in jakarta and yesterday when i asked him to move out too.

i have to translate the serenade text of gabito for the new pagina too. argh! so many things to do and jobs to be done...but i'm glad that some things can be sort out not too bad lately.

ketika semuanya berwarna merah jambu

2005-02-11T02:34:00.000-08:00

aku tidak peduli bahkan ketika semuanya berwarna merah jambu di sekitarku. ada sesuatu yang manis namun menyeretku disaat yang sama pada gesekan violin yang menyakitkan di beranda. banyak yang segera terjadi di waktu yang tidak pernah memberikan kesempatan bahkan untuk menggerakkan jari.

pada banyak kehilangan, banyak kesalahan, pada rasa kasihan, pada perasaan ironik yang tetap melahirkan sebuah tawa. i wish i could not complain!

aku tetap terdiam pada percakapan-percakapan kita yang membeku tiba-tiba. kau kemudian menaruh getaran pada percakapan mengenai warna celana dalammu tadi malam.

dan aku tidak tahu dimana aku harus berterimakasih mengenai cerita celana dalammu yang berwarna hitam.

2005-02-11T02:07:00.000-08:00

si ika jadi bikin kangen pengen ketemu, tapi ternyata aku selalu kehilangan waktu. alia sakit ketika aku ingin bertemu dengannya. smsku pada agung lusa kemaren itu ternyata ga nyampe dan now, i don't have any time to see any of them *sigh*:(

but yeah, finally i got my pasport done. actually find out that the seasrep program due dateline on the 15th february and if i got them i'm going from 3 april - 12 may 2005. that's mean no going to malaysia and a month in thailand. argh! i don't know, i'm trying them out first to find it out. i guess you just can't get them all, eh?

i can't wait to be in yogyakarta tomorrow, got so many sms that telling me to go to rush home, so many things waiting. personal, work and even my studies. his sms crossed it all:

tentang thailand, tentang rumah, tentang kita, tentang novel, besok kita bicarain...

how the 12th of february seem to come very slow...

the greatest ice cream in the world

2005-02-09T06:35:00.000-08:00

is now available in jakarta. tepatnya di plaza indonesia. the damn great goodness of gelare ice cream. a homemade italian ice cream that i thought i have to cross the sea to get the taste of them again (i taste it when i spend my high school in perth). somehow made another point that you can get anything in jakarta and yeah, kinda make me like jakarta even more then bogor nowadays. bogor has grown to a very weird city and i don't like it.

anyway got the jack purcell converse at last and the gabriel garcia marquez latest book "living to tell the tale". damn, this is a good day, hehehe. met dina in aksara bookstore of plaza indonesia. she's working there starting from last month. it's great to see her. got a 20 % discount too, which is very very great:) i saw the lomo cameras, wanting them even more:( i guess i have to be patient, have to work harder and put more balance in my savings. i can't wait to read marquez new book X)

i wanted to see alia and agung very bad. had so many stories to catch up. and i missed yogyakarta terribly, missed 'my teddy bear' the most...

tom yam, nyam!

2005-02-08T01:08:00.000-08:00

i just cooked tom yam soup for lunch. it's a good one for the first try out. i didn't expect that the recipe doesn't used any tomatos or ginger but had those flavour in it. the weather isn't that friendly today, cloudy all morning and raining from the afternoon since. i got my plane ticket for saturday afternoon at 12 pm, with wings air (sounds like my period pads brand) which was also among the cheapest price. i hope to arrive safely in yogyakarta and settle things up once again.

before i'm going for those, i need a chocolate bar to ease my cramps, seeing alia tomorrow (she's coming home to bogor tomorrow, yay!), going to jakarta with my mom on thursday, planning to buy a pair of jack purcell converse, a black womensecret bra, a waffle of gelare ice cream (oh heavenly sweet stuff i've been dreaming for ages), and yeah a glass of quickly will be enough. i ought to see agung though, but i don't know when i might see him. maybe on friday after the photoshoot at the imigration. then yeah, i'm off to yogyakarta hopefully with a bottle of vodka or wine.

i'm still secretly complaining about my left knee, it's still bothers me. i cannot climb the stairs correctly and it's bother me. finally finish the infinite plan, over a window and after a bowl of tom yam soup. i wanted to read gabriel garcia marquez new book, argh, it's soo expensive...dunno if i still wanna get a lomo camera after half of my money being rip off by the bloody accident:(

i need to shower first i guess and shampoo my hair.

the horor of staying in another city other than yogyakarta

2005-02-07T06:17:00.000-08:00

it's 19 minutes past eleven, around 5 hours after i had my period (man, i always mention having period in this blog), believing on my stomach cramps this morning but it's not a nasty cramps. i just need some chocolate bar, sungguh nyesel ga beli satu kemaren:( i just had my hot showers with passion fruit from the body shop smell in my skin. something about passion fruit smell just make things turning exotic, please ignore the bloody advertisement.

it's a good pampering after a silly afternoon around. going to the imigration office to renew my passport with my father was just a failure (they said it takes ages to make renewal), 'coz the birocratic corruption is just the same and even sby cannot do anything about it. if you want it fast, you still have to bribe them, yeah yeah. let's cheers for the sign saying about bribery as big as shit in front of that bloody office. i need it fast, because of this afternoon i just cannot stand to go home to yogyakarta. so yeah, then we pick up my mother from the tailor lady and drove her to the ipb campus. let the ipb people recommended do the stuff with the imigration. arghh, i hate birocrats!!!! fuck them!!

seeing my parent's office for the first time in this past ten years was weird experience. ipb is just a weird atmosphere campus. i seen a sticker of hizbut tahrir in one of the lecturer's car and weird slogan saying: ga sholat, ga trendy. man, i though the technic faculty in ugm slogan after the lebaran is such a disaster. in ipb it's even worser. it's like seeing religion on mtv or something, seeing it like a big joke that they took it seriously.

i'm kinda glad i'm in yogyakarta somehow. it's like a horor living in other city like bogor, i even sort of forget the good memories i have regarding with this city when i was younger. i mean well like for the entertainment, there just having like cinema, the malls or the tv. in yogya you got tons of stuff like: galeries, theather performance, music performances, art exhibition, alternative movie screening, cheap cable tv, even the vcd/dvd rental had so much broad collections. all at low cost and with the best qualities. i just cannot find that atmosphere and spirit anywhere else.

i don't know, i need a really good reason leaving yogyakarta. i've thinking about it lately, i'm not sure whether i wanted to leave yogya for good and live elsewhere. i must admit that the living cost there is getting higher, yogyakarta is turning to a metropolitant but you still can get that side of yogyakarta still existing and planning to buy a piece of land/house seems impossible 'coz their price rose very high lately. i don't know, well something or exactly someone have to convince me very well for leaving yogyakarta behind.

being in bogor again at my parent's house is actually like a holiday. doing nothing, accept for reading all day long, still thinking stuff though (about job even). but yeah, i don't know if i can stand this even until saturday. i talk a lot with my dad today, he's saying some good word like for not being to nice to people, to friends. i don't know, am i too nice? or is it really wrong on being nice or kind these day? i don't like being coldhearted even when it gives me troubles. it's like having two different lives sometimes. i don't really like rely on my family nor they would understand everything i'm doing. i try not to hassle them with all the facts about me thingy. it would absolutely shock them, i'm sure. truth does hurts.

at a time like this, i saw a lot of flashback of my life. it's weird being nearly 22 in a few months, being single again (well, not exactly actually), hurting someone bad for that. doing new jobs, setting new goals, changing some views on things. it's like this year has just turn, even though i don't celebrate celebration like the chinese new year that i never understand or last new year eve which i spend on the posko tent for aceh in the middle of the boulevard. things just looking new. i had to make new decisions and new commitments. it seems changing everything in a rush, planning things all over again. even though yesterday is history, it marks things and stayed forever. you want it or not, it will stay. i sometimes wish our memories can be erased in a recyled bin as easy as a mouse click.

i'm reading allende's the infinite plans, reading and seeing a lot of lives toss and turn. it's weird hearing my dad saying the he want us in safe hands and that things run smoothly all the time. i took in silence 'coz i know things don't run smoothly and often you fall, sometimes really bad. i don't really want to start an argument with him in a time like this, nor i don't want to lecturing him in life. people had their own views and values. i had to learn things on my own, not under other people understanding and i always knew that. i know i will change, but i view changes as a basic things in life. bessy said atidvolution, yeah yeah...it's sounds cute;)

seems like i'm turning into a deep melancholy that make me stop in life for a while. it's a night for a rest and for a stop. just a while. it wouldn't hurt.

the unfriendly guy in the pulsa counter

2005-02-06T09:55:00.000-08:00

this afternoon was very unpleasing hello of bogor after some months not being here. he just bloody ignored me, omit that i'm the customer there, helloo dude??!! very very WTF?? i don't really like the air here, the atmosphere felt tightening and how i missed yogyakarta it's kind warmth surroundings atmosphere. the only places that's i'm a bit comfy is at home, reading stuff. i spend today just reading comics, novel and now online in front of the computer. i'm supposed to send my cv to abi, to forward it to my lecture for the bangkok proposal (i might be going on april if this suceeded). i think i'll do it tomorrow morning, lazy concentrating and remembering details this late morning already(?).

i cut my hair short today after the hair stylist proclaimed my terrible hair loss. i look still goddamn japanese. the good side is that my head felt way way lighter. got a hair mask too and yeah it was expensive, damn! buy kalam, a sambal recipe book, and 3 comic books. somehow rip off gramedia by the cashier foolness not counting the two expensive book: the new kalam (alex is the new editor on board) and the recipe book. bought sushi material in the supermarket, damn, the supermarket getting more and more stuff complete here. can't wait to buy some vodka or wine on the way home in a few days.

i had to make my passport tomorrow in the imigration office. on tuesday i'm planning to go to jakarta, meet agung and stuff. i missed yogyakarta already and terribly. him for the most portion of it. it's like going here are like meeting some blank map, i felt like nowhere to go or nowhere to see. i hope no storm hitting yogya, i wanted to go home very soon and for that i have to again used the plane.

i'm killing my time reading and dreaming. wishing my bed not as cold and not as alone...

the damn clouds above

2005-02-05T09:32:00.000-08:00

looks damn scary especially when your'e just outside the airplane window. but yeah, the weather is getting real scary lately. typhon here, earthquake there, dengue here, flood there. damn, what's up with the season, and people getting accident everywhere (yeah, this include me and my 2 stitches, it's still not bloody over the pain in my knee, still cannot walk straight).

got through bogor in a really cloudy dark afternoon, it just look so gothic outside. but i was sleeping on the road, no traffic jam for this time. my father pick me up in the new terminal airport bus shuttle. telling story about my brother-fake-accident-story, but we got it off, some weirdo ass criminal phone him and making him hell panic with fake stories about my brother. but my family blew it off finding my brother still sleeping at his kost.

pram's birthday is supposevely to be tomorrow night, but i don't know. i want to be lazy at home at least the next 2-3 days before hitting the road to jakarta and going around in places. a bit tired, too much making out lately hehehhe, even in the airport this afternoon. hehhehehhe, i sound like a high school kids falling in love and making fools about themselves XD

missed him already...arghh!

hit by the airforce military police

2005-01-31T01:12:00.000-08:00

rudy dermawan never expect to hit a girl on an intersection near the airport. he was on his way getting a coffe for his atache. the accident happen in an instant and the girl just completely out of her conciounces. the girl was me.

and i got bloody 2 long stitches for it. but he broke his shoulder and crash his front motorcycle totally. oh well, here go half of my digital camera budget! damn...

i didn't manage to pick him up, but i got pick up by him instead, for the last 10 days. i open my wound today, it's still looks scary and suddenly my knee felt very very tired.

my mom asked me if i wanted to go to malaysia for three days with her, i'm going, hell going!

the flight had been delayed

2005-01-20T21:45:00.000-08:00

he's suppose to get off from banda aceh now. but his plane, well bloody garuda was delayed until 3 pm. argh!!! sebel, sebel, sebel! - tadi

it's keep on raining all afternoon until now juga. dia belum sampe-sampe jakarta juga. argh the weather, this is just another reason why i'm hating rain lately. jadi pengen pulang dulu, jemuran gwe dan handuk basah, anjirrr, tadi kan cerah banget gitu lho.

cannot wait for tonite though, just cannot XD

aksi seni aceh

2005-01-19T22:38:00.000-08:00

or ASA at parkir space last nite. abis rapat ngobrolin on/off di insist press baru (god, kenapa tempatnya begitu dekat sama kontrakan ex gwe yang satu lagi, heran, yogya kecil banget!)ketemu banyak orang, ada pameran, band2an, tatto, ramalan, jual2an ama food not bombs. dateng jam 7, masih sepi sih, di jadwal woro-woro opanks sih jam 4 ternyata jadinya mulai jam 7. i thought i was late:P tapi truz rame banget tuh tempat!

eniwei, truz ngobrol2 ama tjuan. ada gajul juga. sebenarnya mau ngobrol2 ama cungkring tapi then my ex come, truz ngobrol ama cungkring, jadi kaga jadi deh. heuheuheu. tapi truz rame gitu sih, dodi juga dateng 'n ngobrol2. tadinya sih bermaksud nunggu ramalan tapi ngantri banget bo.

sebelum berfood not bombs dengan nasi pecel, sempet didatengin satu gelas kahlua. dah lama ga menyentuh alkohol saya. kayanya ini my first night out setelah dua bulan terakhir working like crazy. ini pun first night out untuk amal pulak. tapi seneng sih ketemu kawan-kawan lama, kaya reunian, terakhir ke parkir tuh pas nikahan hestu n tina.

sempet keliling liat pameran dan yang band2an juga semakin hot. dari peluru karet, the jasmine (love you pengky!! go with the rastaman!), demi tuhan (dengan pendeta wok! the rock), the aryas (hidup arya panjalu!), walaupun seru-seru ga begitu punya keinginan untuk moshing. perasaan mojok terus ama beberapa kawan berganti-ganti terus. tina baru pulang dari banda aceh jadi sempet cerita-cerita juga.

setelah jam menunjukkan pukul setengah satu akhirnya cabut juga. bareng akiq n alfi di jalan. entah mengapa kesimpulan yang akhirnya didapet bahwa things always change you like it or not. dari beberapa curhat kawan dan cerita banyak perubahan yang didapat disana. dan kebanyakan memang dramatic changes.

anyway, sempet mencet hp untuk memperdengarkan pengky golden voice pas bawain i shot the sheriff buat yang di kutaraja sana. tapi truz mati, pulsa sekarat. hanya sempet inget 3 gelas kahlua dan 1 botol bir yang dishare. ga mabok sama sekali, hanya menuntaskan kangen pada alkohol saja.

pulang lewat kaliurang yang bau kambing sepanjang jalan menuju rumah. besok hari raya kurban, jakarta banjir padahal aku pengen kesana. besok besok...mmmm...dia pulang, hehhehehe....grrr!!!

2005-01-18T09:48:00.000-08:00

talk to koko instead of going home. i somehow decide on my way home to go koko's place and took a scenery on the road. i have been watching monitor the past day all the time. then talk and talk about things for ages.

azhari and puthut plane was late so it arrived at 10 pm. tried puthut new digital camera, more and more wanting to buy one. dammit.

he couldn't return my sms tonight 'coz his pulsa run out. but i want to go home, eventhough it's raining still outside. i need my bed alone at least for now.

jan dara

2005-01-18T01:30:00.001-08:00

it's a thai name. it's a movie title that i watched this morning. a tale about how a rape can destroy families and persons in it. suprisingly a very touching thai movie. 11 thumbs up. damn tragic and very ironic movies, love all it's character in it. it's like a novel, reminds me of god of small things. it seem like from a thai novel, in the beginning there is some credits: from a novel, viewing not for children or someone with strong religious belief - read something like that, hehehe:D

i watch it after i paid my electricity and water bills. i'm suprised that the waiting line have change in the electricity payment post, usually it's damn crowded and nowhere to sit. now they put it in 4 lockets and many sitting inside the room, not outside window like before. eventhough the room was still very gloomy but at least i'm not pissed off waiting in vain there. i cannot believe i finish it in only 5-10 minutes. usually i spend like 1-2 hours at least waiting for my name to be called up. shit, why don't they do this like supposevely ages ago? i used to think paying electricity bills like that was a waste in life.

i notice the bunga aster in front of my terrace house are blooming. but is it really after they bloom they would die? often i ask myself, what is it about blooming for a while a dies out. it's a remark lasting and die. like the slogan of life fast, die young. it's a too philosophycal question in 4 pm in the afternoon. hella.

i felt like i wanted to cook something. there's something strange i realized when i cook rice. cooking rice is like cooking for everybody, i mean for a lot of people, not just for yourself. it's wasting too much energy to cook just for one meal person. or should i start buying a small electric ricecooker for one portion meal? dunno, i felt selfish if i cook rice only for myself. or is this because i'm just too used to cook for others or many people (especially from my old rented house where i lived with at least 12 people a day). my eating is in disorder lately, i hardly eat rice since last week until this morning. i spent my time eating when i remember, eat only bread, noodles or fruit available in the fridge. cannot be bother to buy food outside with rice or cooking them.

i feel to cook something japanese with rice of course, mmm, chicken teriyaki tonight? i had to buy some chicken breast first and some onion...and i might do it in an hour.

we're waiting for puthut and azhari to come to the office at 8 pm. i might just go home first and cook, eat and then get back here. azhari lost his kampoeng (and all his families of course) in banda aceh, physically they are all hit by the tsunami. only azhari and his older brother kemal pasya survive because both of them were out of town. i heard his kampoeng just vanish. totally. i cannot imagine how and why. it all went down to the sea, with everything, houses, people, i mean every single thing. fitri sms me last night, azhari can talked well but his eyes somehow empty, blank.

icha too arrived in yogya yesterday. she tried to be seeen cheerfull as always, but it looks like she's still have a very sad eyes. i hope they are all in strong spirit. it's very easy for me to say this. it's just too easy for me to say this.

back to photography

2005-01-17T06:23:00.000-08:00

dari semalam cuma nonton film. semalam king arthur, truz pagi beyond borders and tadi sore city of god. agak depressing pas liat beyond borders and city of gods. agak.

my ex sempet muncul tadi siang sebentar, ngomong-ngomong. kayanya sih dia baik-baik aja dan mengerti keputusanku, bahkan mungkin apa yang aku lakukan berikutnya. besok pagi udah seminggu kita putus. dan aku tetap berjalan, begitu saja. aku cape dan lelah, maka aku cabut dari percakapan yang menurutku sudah selesai dan aku sudah tidak mau memikirkannya lagi. maka aku nyalakan pc, nyetel film sampai setengah jam kemudian dia pergi. kerja katanya. ya udah.

i think too much of other people sometimes and i often forgot thinking for myself. padahal perasaan gwe cukup narsis dan cukup egosentris, terutama kalau aku lagi bawaan schizophrenic dan bicara pada diri sendiri.

aku jadi pengen motret lagi. 2 kamera manualku nganggur udah lama, yang satu warisan bokap (fujica jaman jebot, lensanya aja masih ulir) dengan dua lensa dan yang satu tanpa lensa (nikon fm-2) soalnya dulu aku minjem lensa arfi terus. aku jadi lupa cara memotret, terakhir aku motret, motretin dia atau anak2 pake kamera hp yang bukan punyaku. jadi pengen ganti hp yang ada kameranya, tapi aku kan super ceroboh dengan hp, sukanya ngelempar dan seenaknya, 5120ku kesayanganku ini tau berapa ratus kali dia jatuh dan tidak apa-apa. aku benar-benar ga yakin dengan hp yang rapuh. sempet pernah browsing situs nokia, dan gwe nemu adeknya yang kedua hpku, series 5140. ada kameranya dan kalo jatuh ga papa. tapi belum masuk sini dan sepertinya mahal:( truz ga tau kenapa lagi sulit buat megang kamera manual lagi, abis dulu kerasa banget ngeprint film itu super budget banget, ampun. apalagi kalau cuaca lagi jelek, aku 'kan males banget pake blitz. pengen banget camera digital canon a75, disini katanya mahal, 3 jutaan terakhir akiq ngecek. di jakarta katanya cuma 2 jutaan gitu deh. kayanya emang harus ke jakarta deh untuk beli kamera. sumpah... atau nyoba nyari lomo oktomat kali ya, kayanya menarik tuh untuk eksperimen2 lagi, biar semanget motret lagi. lagi-lagi katanya itu juga di jakarta, di aksara. damn. akhir bulan atau bulan depan, i really have to go there!

aku pengen passion untuk motret muncul lagi, ya ampun terakhir gwe motret serius itu semester tiga dan itu adalah 2003an gitu. dan sumpah, pengen banget gunain hasil-hasil foto baru untuk ngedesain dan layout both of my bloggie, garing banget, tahunan ga pernah ganti layout. amit-amit. secara visual teramat sangat boring.

aku seneng pas rapat evaluasi kemaren puthut mengusulkan agar menganggap fotografi jadi serius di aky. dan itu didukung dengannya baru membeli kamera digital anyar 5 jutaan gitu. jadi semanget untuk motret yang fun-fun aja, tanpa dorongan itu tugas atau harus dengan segi artistik bla bla bla lainnya.

ga tau, seem like i'm ready for anything new.

just finish an email for hedy. lama ga denger kabar dari dia. seneng banget denger kabar terbarunya jadi kukasih banyak referensi mengenai artsy stuff yang pasti dia seneng banget. aku jadi pengen ke perth lagi, tiba-tiba kangen. bahkan hanya untuk ketemu temen-temen lama, ke kota, ke library dan makan es krim gelaree. kata ibuku gelaree buka di jakarta dan sepupuku kerja disana, can't wait to go to jakarta. aku koq jadi pengen banget ke jakarta gini ya, perasaan gwe ga begitu suka tuh kota. damn. it's really a sin city and last time i was there, i had some good memories...

i haven't start working my stuff or anything, kayanya memang gwe bener-bener pengen me-release kuliahku yang semester kemaren. can't be bother banget, sekalian aja di drop semua aja. i need a holiday badly, to the west of this island.

and another 4 well 3 days in a few hours are such a kill. kill time, kill time, kill time!!!

talk to her

2005-01-16T05:40:00.001-08:00

itulah judul film yang kutonton tadi siang. almodovar memang gila. bayangin satu film mengenai cerita cinta yang sungguh ga biasa. lucu. satir banget. ada matador cewek yang patah hati, sangar tapi takut ular. truz penulis lepas yang aga paedofil dan selalu mudah menangis. seorang perawat cowok yang terobsesi dan jatuh cinta sama pasiennya yang koma kaya vegetable plant. cerita-cerita yang super satir. plus ada soal kebiasaan mengenai si pasien, alicia yang selalu nonton film2 bisu dan juga balet. di satu film bisu (yg jelas juga dibikin almodovar), soal seorang ilmuwan cewek mau menemukan ramuan untuk membuat cowoknya langsing, padahal cowoknya hanya agak gemuk sedikit dan terlalu sering gagal diet ajah. waktu dia menemukan ramuan itu langsung diminum cowoknya. pertama berhasil tapi udah gitu cowoknya mengecil truz dan memutuskan menghilang dari kehidupan si cewek. dia pindah ke rumah ibunya. tapi berhasil ditemukan kembali ama si cewek dan waktu itu si cowok dan berukuran kurang lebih 10-15 sentimeter.

aku jadi ingat soal tulisan yang menginginkanmu sebesar tiga puluh sentimeter agar bisa kumasukkan dalam tas abu-abuku.

waktu mereka habis ngobrol dan si cewek ga kuat mau tidur, walaupun khawatir kalau si cowok bisa mati tertindih kalau dia bergerak waktu sedang tidur. namun akhirnya tidur. disini adegan paling kerennya mulai. si cewek ditelanjangin sama si cowok dengan menyeret kain yang menutupi tubuhnya setengah mati (bayangin cuma 10-15 senti, si cewek ukurang normal). lalu dia naek ke tubuh ceweknya yang telanjang itu, lompat-lompat mengitari buah dadanya (jadi super besar gitu bo!). truz sampai ke vagina, dia mencoba masuk. si cewek sedikit mengelinjang dan akhirnya dia masuk. berada disana. selamanya.

edannnnnnnnn. romantik abis dan agak gila gitu. dan ini baru cuplikan film bisu dari film itu. wajib tonton deh film ini:D

yang dua lagi itu mengejar matahari dan cold mountain. mengejar matahari ok sih, sempet agak terharu juga nontonnya, idenya sederhana tapi ok, ga berlebihan gitu. acung jempol juga ama rudy soejarwo. kalo cold mountain karena dah pernah diceritain jadi ga begitu kaget, lumayan menyentuh walau agak gaya hollywood memang. namun ending tragisnya memang top, plus sisi lain dari sejarah amerika (eh iya, buku yg howard zinn mengenai american people history ada di abi musti ta minta) yang tidak menginginkan orang-orangnya berperang. kritik halus mengenai perang irak nih kayanya...hehehe:D

baru pulang dari sketsa, belum tutup tentu saja. nyewa film:
-city of god
-chunhyang
-jandara
-beyond borders
-king arthur
banyak film yang ta pengen pada keluar semua. akhirnya lima itu deh, 3 agak alternatif, 2 hollywood. 2 diantaranya kayanya agak erotic deh.

gwe jadi terobsesi dan semangat sih, untuk rajin nonton film lagi. aku kayanya memang lagi butuh banyak hiburan dan renungan. banyak nulis juga. yang kaya-kaya gini misalnya. rajin baca buku juga. sama sekalian bikin wish list barang-barang yang mau gwe beli dan gwe butuhkan biar ga lupa. ingatan gwe koq jadi buruk sih sekarang, heran. sekalian ngecek kondisi keuangan juga, tahun kemaren gwe cukup bekerja keras untuk at least earn something.

my wishlist and urgent stuff:
-meja meja meja!
-bantal
-pengky
-digital camera
-dvd player
-kemoceng
-keset buat di teras depan
-rak buku lagi
-locker
-rak baju
-rak sepatu
-jack purcell converse yang baru (krem ato item polos!)
-jansport bag yang buat laptop
-alumunium hanger yang portable buat jemur-jemur

itu dulu deh, damn udah abis berapa ya barang-barang di atas. but i need them all. geezz...

oiye sebenarnya musti bikin beberapa job list juga. tapi itu cukup gwe ingat sih dan agak terteror. gwe pengen mengerjakannya setelah tanggal 21 (emang bisa?:P)eh itu hari apa ya? duh masih jumat besok. grrrrr, sabar...sabar....!

job list:
-beresin desain on/off baru
-beresin dian sastro #3
-beresin on/off #30
-kelanjutan media alternatif meeting?
-cd interaktif insist! (pak roem will kill me if i forgot this)

to do list tomorrow:
-ke bank! ngurus savings etc
-bayar listrik dan air
-bikin paper(?) kapan sih tuh jadwal ujian pastinya? besok pagi harus telp negro!

oiye, gwe belum ngambil kartu mahasiswa baru dari awal semester kemaren. arghhh! yang ini nanti aja, kalau dia sudah pulang.

pulang donk, please...

sekali-kali in bahasa

2005-01-16T05:40:00.000-08:00

aku hanya berharap rental vcd langgananku belum tutup. aku sudah lama tidak melihat film, apalagi yang erotis. jadi agak sedikit horny sebenarnya. tapi gak bisa. males tiba-tiba hanya karena ada yang sedang jauh di luar sana.

sepertinya aku memang benar-benar terancam untuk setia.

lagi nabung buat beli digital camera, lagi ngitung-ngitung, koq tiba-tiba uang gwe 1,7 jt dipinjem orang semua ya? kalo itu semua balik, aku udah punya digicam. apakah aku terlalu baik? benar-benar terlalu baik?

dia bilang aku memang terlalu baik, bahkan bodoh

komputer hitamku yang baru menyenangkan. sudah menemaniku dengan tiga film dan sekian lagu, tapi aku benar-benar butuh meja. sungguh! biar bisa lebih berlama-lama disana tanpa mengkhawatirkan punggungku membungkuk atau bagian tubuhku yang lain mati rasa.

jadi digital camera atau meja dulu? ga tau, tapi aku pengen meja antik itu, yang somewhere di pinggiran ring road utara deket jalan magelang. ada satu yang besar dan lucu sekali. keren gitu. besar dan kesannya kokoh. buat kerja atau buat makan-makan bersama kali ya.

tapi suasana rumah aneh. aku sendirian terus. tapi yah, memang 'kan. aku sekarang single (ihhh, kaya statement abis gitu ya?). orang-orang pada pindah semua. mantanku kayanya lagi kebingungan mau tinggal dimana. aku sih ga masalah dia di rumah, cuma dianya juga mungkin jengah kali ya? rumah sengkan mau bubar, jongkang juga begitu, paling tidak sampe september. bebek masih di malaysia, kayanya lagi cari nafkah dan pacaran tentunya. tapi dia keliatan senang. mantanku selalu keliatan sedih, tapi mau apalagi. it's over. totally.

dia sms, menawarkan aku untuk memborgolnya di atas ranjang. aku jawab, selamanya ya?

etis ga sih kalau abis putus kita merasa biasa-biasa saja. agak kehilangan dikit, tapi yah ga ada dramatisasi. kaya udah lewat aja. aku kedengaran jahat yah? banget?

apalagi aku lagi jatuh cinta (oh tidak, lagi?). ga tau, sepertinya menyedihkan. aku terdengar seperti tidak dapat hidup tanpa laki-laki. tapi ga tau perasaanku memang selalu berubah-rubah 2 tahun setengah akhir ini. dan sehabis lebaran kemaren seperti menghilangkan semuanya, seperti ingin menyelesaikan semuanya dan melangkah ke depan. dan pada satu orang yang aku tidak pernah menduganya, aku jatuh. tetapi tidak berdebam. dia terlalu lembut bahkan kadang-kadang aku merasa tidak pantas untuknya. aduh, aku kangen!

tapi sepertinya memang harus dan pundakku tiba-tiba terasa lebih ringan selasa pagi kemarin. dan aku seperti menemukan sesuatu kembali. namun sesuatu yang sama sekali baru. yang aku takutkan memang satu hal: diriku sendiri. dia pun demikian. semalam dia menelponku dan mempertanyakan itu semua. akhir-akhir ini aku sering nangis, tapi bukan karena putus dengan pacar yang hidup serumah selama 2 1/2 tahun. tapi karena cemas, karena kekhawatiran yang berlebihan, karena takut akan diri sendiri, karena kangen, dan karena terharu. padahal aku jarang nangis.

kamu sebenarnya cengeng 'kan? katanya di telpon semalam

sepertinya akhir-akhir ini, kamu bisa bikin rekor sekali lagi. laki-laki yang membuatku sering menangis lagi.

tapi ga karena sedih, lucu kan?

padahal dulu aku dingin, nyaris tanpa emosi. mati rasa. masak sih? benar-benar separah itu? untuk seorang perempuan kau terlalu dingin, begitu kata koko. dulu dahimu bahkan berkerut. lalu tiga hari yang lalu kata koko, kamu jadi terasa lebih feminim. kamu lebih menggunakan perasaan ya sekarang?

kayanya iya. banget.

jangan-jangan ini yang terakhir, trid?

aku ga tau dan ga mau tahu. pengennya sih, aku pernah dulu berharap dan jatuh hancur dan tidak pernah berharap lagi bahkan sinis.

sekarang?

masih ga tau, tapi masih ada sisa-sisa rasa yang tiba-tiba aku rasakan kembali. sekarang aku hanya ingin dia pulang kepadaku, baik-baik saja dan selamat. aku masih tetap tidak dapat berdoa, aku hanya percaya dengan harapan. aku tidak butuh agama. aku hanya berharap.

aku jadi pengen nonton film tentang tibet atau bikin tatto baru, di tempat yang hanya bisa dilihatnya. ampunn, aku tuh sentimental dan romantic noraks ya?

ini seperti percakapan di kepalaku dan aku memang narsis.

iya, kamu narsis. sampe sekarang kamu belum mau mencoba menulis dengan sudut pandang orang ketiga 'kan?

pengen bikin novel tapi nunggu novelnya selesai dulu. dan ketika itu umurku sudah 22 mungkin. karena dia janji novelnya akan selesai tepat pada ulangtahunku yang ke 22. damn, aku merasa tua, tapi aku masih muda 'kan? walau wajahku boros, aku tahu. dan sekali lagi aku tidak menepati janji pada diriku sendiri untuk menyelesaikan sebuah novel/buku sebelum aku berumur 20, ini sudah nyaris lewat dua tahun. aku hampir lupa, kumpulan tulisanku harus selesai bulan ini atau bulan depan. setidaknya aku akan menepati setengah janjiku.

thut, kamu dimana? kamu janji ngedit tulisanku kan? aku kan penulis yang pelupa dan kamu editor yang pelupa? sialan, kamu di jakarta ya. aku lupa. lagi-lagi.

aku pengen ke sketsa, nyewa film truz pulang. aku merasa lucu di rumah sendirian, tapi juga mulai merasa nyaman sendirian disana. tadi sempet beres-beres perpustakaan, aku jadi ingat banyak hal juga, seperti kapan terakhir aku membereskan buku-bukuku disana. kamarku masih belum kusapu, masih berantakan. ada beberapa barang yang kubuang. vitamin dan suplemen yang sudah kadaluarsa masuk ke tong sampah bambu depan rumah. ibuku memang terlalu banyak khawatir dan membekaliku dengan macam-macam. padahal aku cukup baik-baik saja dan selalu lupa meminumnya.

aku masih pengen beli meja. juga bantal berikut sarungnya. aku jadi ingat ibuku dan hobinya membeli seprai dan sarung bantal. aku jadi ikut tertular ketika sudah punya tempat sendiri. aku jadi mirip ibuku kadang-kadang.

aky hari ini tiba-tiba sepi banget. aneh kaya orang-orang pergi semua. minggu yang sepi, padahal yogya rame dan baru tadi di jalanan aku merasa tidak betah. padahal aku sempat berpikir untuk selamanya disini. sekarang aku mulai berpikir ulang. ih, orang tuh benar-benar berubah yah? tapi iyalah, percaya dengan revolusi tapi kalo diri sendiri ga berubah, yo piye toh? ga mungkin evolusi pelan-pelan kan? ketika udah jadi purba dan fossil, apalagi bau tanah?

harusnya aku bikin paper buat mata kuliah teori kritis. mata kuliah semester ini satu-satunya yang asik. tapi aku tetap saja ga pernah masuk. hidup enam bulan terakhir kaya badai sih, banyak hal penting muncul lebih penting daripada kuliah. terlalu banyak kiamat kecil. yang terakhir aceh.

yang membawamu pergi sementara sampai tanggal 21 nanti. berapa hari lagi...

aku coba, paling tidak besok aku mulai mengetiknya. jika masih semangat. sebenarnya aku sudah siap untuk mendrop semester ini. aku nyesel satu hal, kenapa kemaren ga cuti aja ya, udah niat padahal. tapi ya sudahlah. oh well. semester depan kuliah apa cuti ya? liat-liat skala pekerjaan dulu deh. kayanya aku masih menata kehidupanku pelan-pelan dan aku masih butuh waktu. juga butuh pulang, ketemu orangtuaku.

orangtuaku? itu akan terlalu cepat tujuh tahun. katamu.

pengen ke bandung. ketemu tarlen dan curhat. aku jadi ingat lagi, project diarynya masih ga ya? aku lupa. terlalu sibuk sekali. ya ampun lagi.

bener-bener pengen ke bandung. untuk honeymoon dan maen-maen. dolan dan ga mikir apa-apa. sementara. ah udahlah.

kapan kita berangkat?

kapan kamu pulang?

kepalaku memang terlalu banyak pertanyaan. aku jadi pusing. apalagi membacanya. aku harus ke rental sekarang. nanti tutup dan tidak ada film. besok harus bayar listrik dan air.

jangan lupa lagi.

urat-urat di pelipis kananku menegang. satu sms baru masuk darimu

aku masih kangen dengan urat-urat di pelipis kanan kepalamu yang menegang. aku benar-benar ingin menenangkannya. kalau perlu mencegat pesawat dan menghabiskan semalam di kutaraja.

a desk a desk a desk

2005-01-15T08:19:00.000-08:00

i so need to buy a desk. a good one, for work and writing. just another damn for my savings balance.

2005-01-15T01:15:00.000-08:00

it's another couple of days, finishing some works to be done, after i left my work to help in the posko for aceh. i might off out of town for a while, maybe going to my parent's house too. i think i'm heading to the west, at least going for bandung.

i need some rest for a while, something good for this 2 whole depressing month. anyhow, i'm pretty much okay and need a coffe. i better wake up vero and go to excelso now. i need some caffeine.

the end

2005-01-10T21:30:00.000-08:00

i broke off my long term relationship for the last 2 1/2 years. it's end now. but actually his response was a bit amuzing. it's so ordinary. soo biasa-biasa aja ternyata. well, he's still staying in my house, well our house i guess, but yeah things will be set a bit different starting today. he's still one of my closest person.

i don't know now, but what i know is that i think i have been waiting for myself to make a decision like this. something felt relief eventhough still sad in some part. but i guess i'll be okay. i hope he'll be okay.

yeah, i'm single now.

2005-01-07T19:17:00.000-08:00

he evacuates 8 bodies yesterday. and i left everything into debris and again lost all my focus. i'm so worried because he didn't get a medical/psychological test before he's leaving. he's suppose to be in a data/informatian team in the posko in ulee kareng. everyone was so worried last night and i felt so terrible. the night before i had a really bad dream. and last night too, always with him inside it and always about aceh and all that. it's frustating and i have to have a 2 days evaluation meeting starting this afternoon.

he called last night for like four times, and in all of that he sounds very different. he explain everything and i was left crying in spite all the worries i had all day and i'm still scared. i just want him back here, safe. i just want that.

: you, the one leaving for kutaraja

2005-01-06T03:31:00.000-08:00

it's 24 hours without you around me. you, one of the many person leaving as volunteer to kutaraja (aceh). yesterday afternoon i left your back with a dazed, with a hug that i cannot reach. i'm still so worried. it's like a farewell for a war and it was so sudden, like someone dragging you away beside me in the middle of the night and dissapear.

i start to work without you, being busy for that reason. and i still cannot concetrate, i'm suppose to make 2 reports by tonight. even tried reading comic books without missing you. and it all were failures. and i doomed the cellular network every second they held my sms to you.

in all the crowd and in all my loneliness i still search everything that reminds me of you, and this is just another 24 hours for at least 20 days without you. and i'm waiting in vain for your promise to comeback to me safely.

the cried last night

2004-12-29T08:06:00.000-08:00

it was all too devastating to many people, him and also me. he cried last nite because all the devastating emotionally effect of the tsunami in aceh, we're not even there. we had our closest friends searching their family in aceh and also still coordinating here in the tend post for humanitarian aid. it was tremendously touches us. many still missing and unknown. the toll number of victim keep on rising, i'm trying to prepare myself when in aceh alone it can reach 50,000-80,000. the region i'm sure will hit more than 100,000.

it was the biggest disaster after the krakatou exploded in 1863 (?). it's not the biggest quake, but it's sure taking the biggest life of all people in this century and before.

everyone seem tired in the post for humanitarian aid to aceh. we need more volunteer, here in yogyakarta and mostly in aceh. we need the transportation system to be organized quickly either for aid, families or for the volunteers. one hercules flight is scheduled tomorrow for just the aid. bag bodies and especially medicine needed very urgently.

i hope after this people get their sense awaken for all above, we are in this all together.

i'm considering to leave to aceh when the chance come, probably in the next few months. now i'll do my best here as far as i can go.

get a sick day off!

2004-12-21T07:37:00.000-08:00

i did not though, well, i'm worrying for some pile of work on my desk (literally i don't really have some desk). i'm a bit sick, got a dry cough which is killing me. very very tired these few days back. i took a high dose of cough syrup today which made me passed out in anton's place all day long. man, these stuff sure can kill you.

i had so much thing in my agenda until new year's eve. made some plan which i hope will be happening in new year's, at least getting drunk or something like that. and yeah, i just realized, i'm getting laid everyday and not with my boyfriend. but it's sweet and i felt pretty crazy, or yeah, i'm a freak.

someone is writing a novel, and it's good. it's like watching eka's writing process again, two-three years back. i'm thinking to start one. soon, very very soon, but yeah i have to compile my writings and gave it to puthut for editing. it's a suprise for the new year.

i think i'm going off, before i cannot open my eyes and bump something on the road. oh well...

jakarta, jakarta

2004-12-07T07:58:00.000-08:00

it was not raining after all the day i went to jakarta. but the flight take off and landing was seem a bit depressing for everyone on board somehow, i guess it's because on the lion air accident last week. even my not religous friend went home with lion air from jakarta, tried an "uji nyali" and prayed. it was a big joke. and yeah i still not pray on things, i believe things just happen even when you die. so?

anyway arrive in jakarta perfectly well, no traffic at all, so i went straight to tim. met vero there and sms anton all the way. he was depressed 'coz pokidjan left him at the flat. i met vero at 8 pm, not really wanted to watch movie that much so we went to bakoelkoeffie near tim. it's a good vietnamese coffe noon and tuna cheese sandwich (very yummy!). wait for the others to come, well at 10 pm, stay there until 12 something, we're the last people there i guess. vero and i as usual had a our curhat session in any coffeshop we went, even in jakarta. hehehe.

we stayed in front of tim for a while, nearly went to menteng but it turn out that the street art festival was attacked by the pemda people and premans! FUCK! i hate it when they do that, i straightly phone idaman and the others to check that everything is allrite. it was an early shocking news in the damn morning at slipi.

the next morning we went to plaza senayan, had a lunch there and yeah went to QB, i crave for the books. eventhough i spend my salary on books in periplus at the yogyakarta airport, argh, damn. i hate it when i have cash in a bookstore, always vanish completely.

watch atheis at ikj that afternoon, then went to the canteen, meet all the yogyakarta kids at the back. they're for a while because of the street art. heard all the complete stories.

anton n gajul was kidnapped by erik that afternoon. vero went to the internet cafe and me kidnapped by randu for a while. having an absurd conversation somehow with some friends there too. i meet a lot of people in those three days, and it felt crazy. until now too.

meet cecil after that because i wanted to sleep over at her place. had a shower too there and it felt great. jakarta was hot as hell, it's not even raining. cecil was looking good that afternoon and yeah that night even i said she look like gong li. heuheuehuehe!

it was a hell reunion at jiffest and tim. i spend the next day at cecil's and a nice date in a hard monday in jakarta. even until i arrived in yogyakarta. things was sweet, i think i will keep the detail much much longer.

it's just i said stupid things and it's falling everywhere...

i'm helplessly tired now, just finish some unfinished work. tomorrow will be tough too. it's yogyakarta at nine minutes pass eleven, it's december, and it's a hell busy one month.

argh, i think i will worry much in the next few weeks!

too much work!

2004-11-27T02:35:00.001-08:00

i saw my work list, and i saw 7 things that i never end up drooling on it. at least sleeping on my notebook for it. i had to choose things a lot of thing, i even believe that life is really about the choices you make. but sometimes i cannot choose things, even in my list of work to be done. my -almost freak- relationship with peoples, guys, friends. i'm glad i still had the nerve not to burst my head into pieces.

it's like getting laid too much lately. too intoxicating.

some coincidence and coalition

2004-11-27T02:35:00.000-08:00

it's just like some magnolia movie scene, or even memento, l'appartement or whatever. it's like wishing i can left everything and watch jiffest in jakarta in the beginning of december. it's just something that i never intend too, like you say, we start from some ordinary things, nothing special. at all. very very all.

and i did caught you nearly so many times that you fall in the bottomless pit call the L damn word. i did said it this morning in the middle of all the sweat as you admit everything that we know we are not suppose to. it's something that never intended to end up like this.

i just don't know how to deal with you after hours pass from this early morning moment. it's like looking to a lot of moment, trying to make a chronological meaning of this meetings. i wish i could understand it like i understand how u feel even through your writings. i realized also that things began before me and start after i was there. you are a good damn writer and i really care about you as i said it loudly now.

it's soo tender that it even without realizing it, you're slowly reaching my heart. and i'm not meaning it as something so bad. it's just, things happens.

things do happens and i never had the moment to breath or thinking of preparing.

no shit.

just rain everyday!

2004-11-24T10:06:00.000-08:00

it's so cold outside. vero slept over last nite at my house. we spent time before that at lorkali lounge. we had a really long talk. about things.

on loyalty and disloyalty. on some impossible marriage. on concept strange for us. of our time and generation. on yeah of course: guys beside work.

i just have one big question: how come u expect loyalty when there's no guarantee and full of disloyalty (speaking on K and me absurd relationship)?

we continue it at my house until i dunno wat hour.

i spent this afternoon with abi at bonbin. K was there, watching me somehow i felt. i miss him already. FARK! but then he left. abi and i went to snap cafe. talk and talk. meet my lovely jenggot there. kangen, lama ga ketemu dan mabuk2an. anyway, i was tired and spend this rest of nite in front of the computer, chatting with bessy. i might go to rembang. dunno when though.

it's not a game over

2004-11-23T01:29:00.000-08:00

it's so not over. i'm feeling like i'm in the middle of a game that i already play or i know how to. it's just an early morning wake up, a bottle of the orangtua wine, no breakfast and three orgasm.

i can't barely walk straight. damn K for everything. but i love him i almost cried my eyes out.

grrrr

2004-11-18T05:29:00.000-08:00

damn laptop, i lost my second typed post.

spend some time to download and read stuff to lost my bad mood to retype my recapping week. still damn. where should i start now?

the second day in jakarta i spend shopping with my mom. the third day gone to alex n lisa's place in menteng. got some grass that afternoon, me and alex only, coz lisa went for a badminton session. while waiting for lisa and our dinner to come (well we wish, coz we're teribbly hungry), we spent reading and grassing. i played with the three dogs, another new one huskies mixed with the local kampung dog, cilok, blup's son. it had the look like my mixed dog at home, rico.

on/off due date was set later next january, so alex can relax a little but a bit pissed too. coz he was working this piece for on/off and have nightmares for two nights: me!

lisa came without the dinner, me and alex beg to go to kota to get some dinner. it was already nearly 11 pm. went to kota and eat at a small chinese restaurant in one of its alley. it was pretty good accept with the nearly non colored tea.

we went to bb's then, me and alex watch reggae jamming session in the second floor. i spend a glass of beer and a couple of samsoe. it was pretty good but no one compare to pengky's golden voice when it comes to reggae. damn, i miss that guy, voice so lovely in front of me. i can die to hear it.

we went home at 2 am, watch a dvd with nicole kidman and a weird ending, forgot the title then throw myself at tina's bed.

agung called the next morning, just arriving from boston. i can't remember what time coz i was too sleepy. wake up at 11 am, then took a shower and went to his place. sleep a while there coz jakarta was too hot that day. then we are off to offstream. everyone was there, including idaman's tale lady with the tea bottle in her boops. damn man, they were huge! she actually exist!

tedjo babyyyy was there, so the beer tea ala yogya was specially made for us. and yeah grass again, man why are they everywhere? so we spend time there laughing our ass off and get hungry. it's really hard to go out after that, because people there are like parasite not letting anyone to go home. i was thinking to spend the takbiran night in jakarta, but my father sms drop it off coz we had to go to lampung the next morning.

we were out from offstream, after the car wheel of boni's was change. so yeah, it was a hard try. she drop us near the bakoelkoeffie cikini, but it was close so we (me, cecil n agung) went to tim. eat there and talk until 9 pm. we went home after that. i still miss agung, but he had to go to next morning to yogya, n not coming back until the 20th, which by that date i will be heading to yogya. poor him for his jetlag, he nearly sleep off in the taxi.

i spent three days in lampung, mostly in kalianda where my mom works part time, which we have our own cottage and private beach in the hatchery place. so yeah, pretty cool huh? lampung was allrite i guess, but i never thought that the trans-sumatra road will be that smallll! and the ride was bumpy shit, so yeah it kinda put me off for travelling again. i bought a lot of lampung coffe to bring to yogya. negro already sms me if he can trade it with the tulung agung coffe.

i arrived from lampung yesterday afternoon, i was suppose to go to bandung this afternoon. but i'm not in the mood for it, eventhough i have to see tarlen. just terribly tired somehow, even to go to jakarta. looking at the traffic and the news already put me off from everything. i'm just wondering now why the metro's tv presenter are always pretty, smart, bold and yeah have a weird name but they are cool i guess.

i wanted to put some pic up, but yeah, dunno if i can, coz the laptop a bit sucky now.

k called me this afternoon, making me to run like a devil coz i left my mobile at the second floor. i was happy that he called. missed him much. miss my boyfriend too, he's getting cute lately over the phone. yeah i know, i just can't make up my mind still, i just want it ALLL!! mwakaakkak!

i'm a bit wondering about bill, he's seem a bit depress but somehow i just don't want to go for it right now. i got a lot of things in my head going on and it seems the only remedy is going to yogya. missed a lot of things.

bought a black top that i might wear for tina n hestu's wedding in the 2oth (man i have to rushed from the airport), and also a nice black leather belt. haven't wear belt for ages, used to wear them like what year???! used to hate them too, but dunno i like them again now. got a creambath too yesterday afternoon, it was GOOD!!! i wish i can take the mas-mas home with me to massage me, honestly just to massageXD

i don't know what to do tommorow. i think i want to go to jakarta somehow, looks for some books, if i can be bother though.

2004-11-11T21:05:00.000-08:00

got a new converse sneakers and some pairs of undies, cost me some fortune. haven't seen alex yet, maybe in a couple hours. miss lisa and their huskies. agung is back tomorrow from boston, can't wait to get some coffe with him in bakoelkoeffie.

might go to lampung at the idul fitri day. alia is sick so she's at home. a bit confused on what am i going to do and visit all these people while i'm here. tarlen told me to go to bandung tuh.

doh, kemana dulu ya?

i survive those months

2004-11-10T11:12:00.000-08:00

yeah, it's been a while of a reality lost. but yeah, i'm okay, things okay, everything pretty okay. life been a hell but it's not too hot, things been put in place again. a bit lazy with attending classes. pretty busy with myself and gathering my life together again.

k sms me this early morning a few hours before i catch the plane to jakarta and a few hours after i had my period. cannot say anything accept: ARRGGGHHHHH!!!

anyway, jakarta was hell jammed this later afternoon. the flight okay, the bus journey was fucking hell jammed. but i'm in my house again, putting more rupiahs to the internet bills and a few minutes putting more rupiahs for a long distance call to my still current boyfriend - partner - whatever.

its raining outside, here in bogor, but yeah its okay its happen everyday here. i only hate one thing about rain, when i'm in yogyakarta on my motorcyle, that's just suck.

i'm going to jakarta in five hours, shopping with my mom, hehe:D but i have to see alex and yeah finish some job still left untouched...

2004-08-03T03:58:00.000-07:00

datelines! arghh! finally finish the 27th edition and tomorrow will be printed. such a week of taking so much breath and tried to be calm. i start to think to indulge myself with some stuff that i fetish. rethinking about myself and my life the past weeks. i come up with small itsy bitsy lame things to do: learning cooking properly (my boyfriend even cooks better than me) and start to taking care of myself first:P

i dunno, i guess my bf quiet rite that i use my brain more to do things rather than my heart. i'm thinking too much.

2004-07-31T10:22:00.000-07:00

i'm kinda pissed off with work. dunno, just not feeling good about it lately and a bit emotional when people start complaining and shit. tried to talked with others but it's like nobody there and everyone is busy with their own work. i think we should have a meeting real soon coz there's so much miscoordination with some of the works. arghh!

called K a few days back, might call him tonite if he's still up. still miss him sometimes but feelin a bit better.

met an anarcho punk from german today. his name is ingo, pretty interesting guy. me and my friends just invite him to stay over at our place while he's here to freshen things up a little. if he want to, he can stay with us for the next 6 weeks.

a bit gloomy mood lately in our surrondings and situations. but the music events is going to be up in the 20th august, people start to meet up and working for it, so it's a good progress.

i want to call K, i think i'll do it now.

###

2004-07-22T02:50:00.000-07:00

i felt weird for the last three days. maybe because what K said the last nite we spent together in his rented house. i felt shit and a bit emotional now. i'm like rethinking all the shit i'm doing and what i really2 want. talk to koko the other nite in the angkringan lek man until like 6 in the morning. a bit relief with still slight of pain in my chest.

after the moved

2004-07-13T03:10:00.000-07:00

lived in the new house for nearly 2 weeks. dodon still in banyuwangi accompanying his sick mother from the 2nd day we moved. so kinda have a lonely sleep lately, but i spend some night at K's place for a good sleep, haha! bebe n jo just went to bali to see some friends for a week. so the house is a rather quiet but i manage to make eat to stay and sometimes paul too or even a load of people. my brother just came the other day, he missed his first flight, which i kinda guess. dunno really what to do and what he want to do exactly in yogya.

and man, how i spenddddd so many money to buy things for the new house and still keep buying. it's no good. i want dodon to come home soon, it's weird to not have him around me. so many works to do this week. i kinda finish the library and start to have some good reading period again.

got my period today, feel shit but happy!

my lovely yogya...

2004-06-29T05:48:00.000-07:00

back in yogyakarta again. finished a bottle of absolut vodka last night with the others. pretty drunk. just back to the office, miss everyone and get on with work, i gotta catch up stuff. i spend this afternoon with bebe to see our new house. we're going to move in at thursday. finallyyyy!!! yeah yeah! hehehhe, so happy to be moving to a new house and decor shit up.

talk about the sucker leader of the nation and the future looking a rather gloomy with some friends. dunno, suddenly after talking about that i missed K and it's like i want to talk a lot with him. but hell, he's busy today. maybe tomorrow i'll see him.

another cup of jakarta

2004-06-26T10:09:00.000-07:00

went to ika's place this afternoon. at last...hehehe, meet the queen of zines again:) did shoppin in her distro. man, such a collection of zines she got, damnnn....and all the good books. alfred came too around 3 pm i think and suddenly he decided to get a tatto done. asep, a tatto artist was there and that makes him spontaneusly made a tatto done. a nice cool tribal one. man, i want one again. shit. it's soo damn addictive.

anyway, after finishing the tatto and waiting for the rain to finish, we went too istora senayan to see the book fair. meet bowo there for a while. nearly 9 we decide to split up and i tried to catch the last bus to bogor.

taking a motorcycle ride in jakarta is sooo diferent, weird feeling as well. finally i can manage the people i mention above. but i miss yogya soo much already. nice too see ika, alfred (he's getting bigger and cuter in the same time) and bowo. i wish i had more time to spend with them, one by one. maybe another time, another place and another situation. for now, i guess i have enough of jakarta. i want to go home, miss a lot of people already.

the sin city: jakarta

2004-06-25T07:18:00.001-07:00

i once wrote, jakarta: a dehumanization proses.

i just spend 3 days in jakarta. the first day i spend in tim, talking with eka at first (about his novel and all other gossips), meet linda for a while, binhad and then alex came (udah jadi dosen tetap anjinggg, hahahahha) with a tired face. he start to looks like his huskies. while waiting for lisa to came (after finishing her badminton racket buying and picking), the day was gone and it was night already. shitttt. i didn't even change my sitting position. lisa came and we decide to go to the front, looking for some beers of course.
meet tony and hedy and taufan in lisa's place. stay there for the night and watch the pirated dvd - van helsing. love their dogs, bola and blup.

woke up at 10 the next day, meet hikmat at aksara at 12? spend the time in his office talking about books marketing and distribution. the best part was seeing his goddamn books collections. helllllll, i pick some to copied and send to yogya. got some free books from his publishers, this is what i love about people working in a publishing house, hahahahaha.
went to istora in the afternoon, meet agung there. see some fucking good old books but mannnn the priceeeeeeeee???????? and it was all lemhanas collection, yes baby, the LEMBAGA PERTAHANAN NASIONAL!!! damn they got all the good books that was confisticated for the last 40 years i guess. all the books that i need for my paper later, all thereeeee and soooo ratusan ribu rupiahh!!!!
decide to get out from there(before going insane with the book prices) and dissapeared with agung. see randu at the automall. she had a bowling competition with her office people. the night last to see her bowling and talking with agung.
slept at randu's place after a good night long talk. i haven talk like that for ages and i feel good. thank's gal!;)

see my parents the next day in wtc and hang out with them. went to plaza senayan. got some undies and women secret's pijamas (love them!):P

just got home now. on the way home, my ex called, one of our friend had just died and shit i feel so weird i can't even think what i say. i'll go to jakarta again tomorrow. like sin, jakarta is the place you will visit again and again. no matter what.

moving, moving people!

2004-06-22T02:28:00.000-07:00

been a while since i write anything in my personal blog, i even can't remember the old address. can't be bother to maintain it before and always wanting to change the layout but doesn't have the time to do it. oh well, i'll just start a new one.

i'm in bogor now, staying in my parent's home. feeling weird to be back home, last time it was in march. it's my mom's bday today and she wants us to have dinner together somewhere. but tomorrow i have to get out from here. go to jakarta for a few days, stayin somewhere, meet the people i have to meet this week and hang out or even get drunk.

my brother is going to some goddamn-bloody-expensive college soon and this house is gonna be so damn quiet. but yeah, i wouldn't be staying in this city anymore i don't think. a visit okay, stayin? no way! it's so crowded now, too many fuckin pollution and all the malls are everywhere, it's suffocating to go outside the house.

i'll go home to yogyakarta next week. pay the new house rent and move out from my old rented house. i kinda missed my bf, but somehow missed K too. i even wrote a short story about it XD. hahaha!

the semester is over, but got some load of work to do and yeah arranging, decorating the new house! i got 3 months of what so called vacation, but i guess a real vacation will be in september, waiting for fauzan's to finish his kkn and go to bali with some people.

i just finish eka's new novel "lelaki harimau". the story is much more simpler, the ending even more simpler than i though. i love the beautiful ending, bloody but so poetic. his novel before,the "cantik itu luka" is more complex and quiet crazier i thought. some words in this new novel a bit annoyed me but it doesn't bother me for continuing reading it. my friend in bandung said that the book is totally different than before and he felt weird reading it. hmm..., i notice a lot of different style blend in his writing, but it actually distinct it from all his writing before this. i gotta say this to eka tomorrow, we might see each other and watch a book fair in senayan.

a bit bored but can't stop to go offline, thanks to my brother matrix card. hehheheh:P

2003-01-24T11:44:00.000-08:00

long time not blogging and writing some of my daily life. yeah, i got to fixed things a little, put some here and there.

kalo diliat-liat idup gwe mungkin udah berubah jauhhhh banget dari pertama gwe bilang gwe bakalan pulang for good to indonesia. and i did it okay. a year and probably 2 months now since i left my naturally born country.

now, gwe di yogya. kuliah di dua uni. ngontrak rame-rame sama temen-temen gwe disini. kerja freelance, nulis, design n juga aktif di komunitas sastra. gwe suka dan gwe sibuk abis sama kehidupan gwe disini. hal-hal laen kaya sambil lalu dan yah memang gwe musti nata beberapa hal. bahkan hal paling simple, nata kamar aja.

semuanya memang baru. surviving sendiri dan yah memang gak gampang. setengah taon pertama gwe abisin kebanyakan di jakarta, kerja bolak balik bogor-jkt. truz sempet bolak balik yogya sebelum akhirnya mei taon lalu gwe netep di yogya sampe sekarang. gwe pikir gwe cocok banget sama kota ini.

sekarang gwe kemana-mana bawa motor, makan sehari gak sampe 3000 rupiah, sibuk sama kerjaan macem2. sepertinya saking banyaknya gwe juga jadi gak tau mo nulis yang mana dulu. mmm...

2002-12-04T04:44:00.000-08:00

memang benar kata neruda

saat ini aku tidak lagi dapat membedakan

apakah tanganku di dadamu adalah tanganmu

atau tanganmu di dadaku adalah tanganku

sampai sejauh inikah kita

lebur beserta debu abu

yang memancar dari gunung api

di sebelah utara kota ini

sepertinya aku menghilang

di antara tubuhmu

sepertinya kau menghilang

di antara tubuhku

sepertinya udara di sekitar kita

sudah menyatu begitu jauh

yk-akhir november

2002-11-13T09:33:00.000-08:00

meet new people, new love and man my new city that i call home.

and yeah, hello again bloggie!

2002-04-21T22:58:00.000-07:00

aku bukanlah neruda ataupun goenawan mohamad, aku adalah aku. maka bacalah setumpuk tulisan yang kuberikan di hadapanmu kau akan menemukan sekeping cinta yang bisa saja kepingan paling naif yang pernah aku tulis, atau sekeping lagi yang paling sentimentil yang lagi-lagi pernah aku goreskan. karena memang tulisan-tulisan ini merekam semuanya, dari cara mencintaimu yang paling buta, paling lugu, paling menggemaskan, paling gila, paling provokatif yang pernah aku tahu.

lalu sampailah aku pada hari ini, dimana aku berdiri di hadapanmu lagi di antara lembar-lembar tulisanku yang pernah kutulis, yang mungkin berubah atau tetap sama saja. tapi detik ini masih aku tahu bahwa aku masih mencintaimu dengan cara yang tidak pernah aku tahu kelanjutannya.

-sebuah catatan pengantar kecil utk qq

2002-04-21T22:55:00.000-07:00

watch a punk concert with sam and wendy yesterday. it was quiet pack, a lot of mohawks in blok-m area, it was stage in bulungan. some of the bands was quiet interesting. cops was around at the end, but nothing happen, no riots like old times said wendy which was good and improving.

sam said he's going to miss me a lot. i'm off to yogyakarta next saturday morning, to stay, to study and to live.

2002-04-21T22:39:00.000-07:00

i have been spending a lot of time with agung lately, last thursday i didn't manage to go home but instead "nongkrong" at a small lesehan, in melawai near blok m until 1 am. i love the place, with a pack of cigarretes and a glass of coffe-tubruk, things reminds me with yogyakarta. talk a lot with agung that night, discussing things that have been the most intimate to share, which is fun, funny and outrageous sometimes. then we were off to his office in pejaten, stayed up all nite until 6 am, watch "cinta dalam sepotong roti" by garin nugroho in his computer. he accompany me to the train station in the morning, i was sleepy as i reach bogor that morning but somehow relief with things that i try to get out in my head.

on saturday, i was out all day with him. i need a new glasses coz by this time my minus has raised to 2.5, i'm not suprised though i check my eyes last time was 2 years ago, which was still 1/4. the itc optic counter was pack, mangga dua was pack that day, but i wouldn't regret it i got the best deal ever in buying a glasses:D i got this red small square one, very light and i love it. i pass this women's underwear counter, and guess what there's this cute undies with teddy bear, cutie pig, a few with japanese cartoon characters on it. it's 25,000 rupiah for three. i was tempted to buy it, getting this idea to make one joke someday, but didn't coz the one i wanted has run out, they only got the one that was display which was definetely not my size. agung was laughing his ass off on my back and said i really can't imagine you wearing something like that:P and yes he really can't.

then i talk to him by phone last nite, talking about the kiss that i guess not suppose to happen between us. well we're close friend, buddies, and we accidently did some french kissing which was just "iseng". man, it felt weird, we're close but nah not that way, that was proven! no wonder i felt safe even when i slept the most provocative way near him. coz we're close so close but really really not that way. sometimes human relationship can be very strange, and my relationship with him is one of the odd ones.

2002-04-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

pachinko:

love it. though rudy dance in the movie is quiet annoying, but it remind me with someone.

2002-04-09T09:12:00.000-07:00

abis nonton amelie bareng si hendro...bagus banget euy filmna! reviewnya besok2 aja deh, pengen nulis komen seven samurainya akira kurosawa juga. tapi ini blogger kapan benernya yah? i mean geocitiesna, abis kudu bayar sih:(

2002-04-09T09:07:00.000-07:00

Satu Siang Itu (buat: AR)

satu siang itu

ziarah kau

datang ke kuburku

senyum

sungging di ujung kecupmu

suruh jasadku menyedu

lihat kiniku

saat raga melebur abu

aku masih sanggup meragu

[jakarta, 9/9/02] ----> tglnya salah kali ye:P

ay.

hehehe puisi dari agung

2002-04-04T00:53:00.000-08:00

Selamat Ulang Tahun!

-my bro Agung, via sms

Happy Birthday Astrid, panjang umur dan bahagia selalu. Gimana antingnya? Traktir donk!

-Henky, yg ngincer anting gwe dari Febuari, via sms

Hai, is this Dian? Dian Happy Birthday ya, Happy always and lots of fun! God bless u

-Vida, unsure with my mobile number, via sms

Met ultah yan, luv ya

-Alia, crazy like usual, via sms

Traktir-traktir-traktir!!

-Peeps in the office who knows my b'day

DI GURL HAppy BERFDAY!! oh man ur 19!! hahahz gettin old....but its all good....

hope u HAVE a WILD TIme and have lots of fun!! :)

Thankz AGaiN for evrything :)

*Big HUGz*

bloW ouT ur CandLEz......heheh

-Hedy, of course, via icq

Happy b'day dee...mmuuaacchhh, hope u will get such a beautiful life

-Qq, who else, via sms, via phone a secret *hehehe*

2002-04-04T00:48:00.000-08:00

bought selingkuh itu indah by agus noor, well it's not always indah....

2002-04-03T08:53:00.000-08:00

Forbidden Passion by EKI Production

I watch FP last Thursday at Graha Bakti Budaya, TIM and yes, it was my first time to watch a dance performance again in Indonesia, a modern contemporer dance. A few word to describe it: MAGNIFICENT, WILD, FRESH AND FREE!!! And yes I really adore Sujiwo Tejo voice and his music mixing, he's known as the "Dalang Edan", and yes he's EDAN! This is the first time I watch him live, and wow, such a mystical atmosphere that he can bring to the stage.

I went there with Agung, his future wife, Emmy and Emmy's friend. I took Sam too to watch the performance. Agung had us in the a really good seat (quiet expensive though, Rp 50,000 per seat, the cheaper seat was sold out, well all the seat was sold out).

The dance was in 4 part, I really like the first part, which was mixed by Tejo. The rest of the dance was very attractive indeed, I can feel their spirit of the stage. It's a mixed of dance and teater, which make their performance fresh and often very very funny. There are also some guest star such as the Jamaica vocal groups, man they really can sing. The MC was this chick, i forgot her name, but she's really funny, she can say the things which you can't imagine to come out from a person mouth. One very very "bocor" women i ever ever met and heard.

It started quiet late around 08.30 PM and ended 2 hours later. I was very impressed. I think I wanna ask Aldi (EKI) for Tejo's cassettes.

Oh yeah, I'm turning 19 in a few minutes, man I feel suddenly old.

2002-03-23T20:31:00.000-08:00

new:

-"sebuah pertanyaan untuk cinta" SGA (hmm...gwe koq jadi ngoleksi seno gini)

-"cerita dari digul" suntingan Pramoedya Ananta Toer

-"teori sastra abad dua puluh"

-"cerita2 dari buenos aires" terjemahan Anton Kurnia

-new djakarta mag

-new trolley mag

wanted:

-the rp 193,000 danzig trilogy by gunter grass in qb pondok indah

2002-03-21T23:52:00.000-08:00

kun dun, a story of the 14th dalai lama, directed by martin scorcese

i always admire people against non-violence, although in a sense that it's a way to resist. people such as the dalai lama or mahatma gandhi for example, gandhi had died, the dalai lama still alive but haven't got back to tibet.

somehow watching the movie above, just made myself think on how many violence is there in existence until this moment. not even in the last 24 hours, i watch one in front of my eyes. i was trying to go to pasar minggu last afternoon, i could not decide whether i'll catch a taxi there or a metromini bus instead. i saw no taxi(cheap ones i mean, the one with an old tariff on), so i jump off this metromini to pasar minggu. just around the corner around 5 minutes after that, the metromini accidently bump it's back body to this another metromini. a few seconds later i hear shoutings outside and saw other passenger in a terrified look. it didn't really click to me what the next thing will happen, until the passenger quickly all stand up and went outside the bus. i was one of the last three passenger to go out from the vehicle. i just manage to be in the back stairs of the bus, untill the back glasses was smash with a wrench. i felt broken pieces of glasses falling thru me but i manage to cover myself, although i felt the skin near my nose got a burning sense. i check on my nose, no blood, so i'm okay. i went outside the bus, i saw this other driver carrying a stick i think it was wrench or something and yelling in madness. people just watched, i myself watched for a little while with my pulse run high. i somehow felt suprise, not fear, but helpless because i couldn't really do anything. i felt really small when i turn my back and catch a taxi to agung's place in pasar minggu.

so really i asked myself since last afternoon, what can we do with violence? not just in that incident of metromini but in all aspects in life and around the world. stop it? stop it how? my thoughts had some relievements after i watch "kun dun", i guess it's not today, not instantly tomorrow, but someday things will get better, with the hope still burning high.